Not Enough
by Nbr8GotItMemorized
Summary: Gojyo hates where his thoughts are taking him, but he can't seem to stop. Why, why, WHY did it have to be the pissy monk? 53 Yaoi rated for swearing and eventual...needs? Now complete!
1. One touch

A/N: I got bit by another plotkappa. Oh boy. Anyway, another round of 53-ness for you all, hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: Much as I would love to, I regret to say that I don't own Saiyuki or its characters.

**Not Enough**

Gojyo couldn't quite say when he was aware of it, but he had a vague inkling of the occurrence that led him on the path to his constant curiosity involving one pissy monk. He wouldn't really call it an obsession—that more described Goku if anyone—but he found himself stealing sideways glances in Jeep, wondering what thoughts flew through that blond head, and the protectiveness he felt during their battles with youkai was a little strange to him. He was protective in nature, sure, but why towards that damn bastard? Perhaps he simply knew that he was a valuable asset what with his Maten Scripture and all, but that couldn't be all there was to it.

He knew something was wrong with this.

He could close his eyes and remember with stunning clarity that day—night, rather—when Sanzo had appeared in his and Hakkai's lives. There was no sudden, firework-like shock to his nerves when he had first laid eyes on him, just a simple contemplation of how a man could possess such striking features. Gojyo had gotten a good laugh when he'd wrestled that prick to the ground, boasting about his ground moves, but when Hakkai had run off with Sanzo's gun he found himself teamed up with the monk and his pet, not quite knowing why he felt a sudden sense of astonishment towards him. Maybe it was because he wouldn't expect a monk to be swearing, smoking and firing a gun.

But when Sanzo said all that about his hair, and then later when he so calmly gave them one of his many little speeches on life, he felt an immediate pull to him. He had felt the same with Hakkai, when the man had been recovering in his bed for those few months; there had been a sense that their lives were connected, no matter what they did to prevent it. Even Goku initiated that strange feeling from him. It was if the Gods wanted him to suffer in such miserable company for the rest of his life.

So here he was, on the journey west, going through hell and high water just to make sure that these experiments were put to rest. And, as much as he didn't like to dwell on it, to help protect Sanzo, the man who could make him go from content to pissed in a mere matter of seconds. The man who always appeared so haughty and distant when Gojyo could sense that there was something else stirring behind violet irises that tried their best every day to look cold. There were days when they would look fevered, as if the slightest movement would set him over the edge; and Gojyo knew that it very well might, since Sanzo sometimes acted as if sanity was teetering on a very slight brink, which the rest of their little party knew of and tried to avoid. Hell, they were _all _crazy, but when these times came he could admit to himself that he was a little scared.

_Don't know why I work myself up over the dick_, he thought to himself more than once. _It's not like he cares for any of us or anything. Fuck, he's even harsh towards the monkey, and that little shit doesn't even deserve it half the time._

Since when had he gotten so soft?

Or perhaps he'd been this soft all along. It had just taken these bastards and all their fucked-up side trips to prove it to himself. All right, so he was a sucker for little kids and their problems . . . So what? And when one of his companions was in danger, yeah he would go and save them, why the hell not? As much as it pained him to acknowledge it, this rag-tag group had become his family. And that simply made Gojyo all the more bitter.

_Why, why, _why _the damn monk? _He caught himself staring again and hastily swung his eyes to rest on the contents that were spread over a wooden table they were seated at. The inn they had stopped at for the night was just 

like all the rest they found on their way west, and it seemed to Gojyo as if the same damn waitress hosted them tonight. He sighed long and hard.

"Troubled thoughts, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked with his patented smile. He half-shrugged.

"Guess I'm feeling restless. Might just go scout out the local bars . . ." He involuntarily turned his head to see if Sanzo would react in some way towards his statement, but he was disappointed as usual when he found those amethyst eyes staring off into space, one gloved hand wrapped around his customary cup of tea. Not even a twitch on that porcelain face. Gojyo sighed again, running his crimson eyes over the high cheek bones, the aristocratic nose, the long eyelashes. Sanzo's hair had grown longer over the time they had spent on the road, and now more than ever he wanted to reach out and touch it, because it had always looked so soft. Gojyo couldn't believe that something so golden and pure could belong to this bastard, but he wanted to prove its softness by running his fingers through it, making sure it wasn't fake.

This time he was unfortunate enough for Sanzo to realize he was being stared at. He blinked once and scowled at the red-head, one of his eyes squinting slightly more than the other. It was a habit that Gojyo had picked up long ago and he found it amusing.

"What is it, erogappa? If you're going to leave, then leave." That tone was always so dismissive, his voice so low and—Gojyo couldn't stop the shivers that travelled down his spine. He mentally cursed himself and jerked his eyes away, trying to figure out why this had to happen to him of all people.

"Naa, Gojyo doesn't look too good," Goku piped up from his seat, still scarffing down the last of their meal.

"Too _well_," Hakkai said before he could stop himself, ever the school teacher he was before the drastic change in his life.

Goku rolled his eyes towards the ceiling. "Whatever. My point is, Gojyo's all sweaty and stuff, and it's not even hot outside. And he hardly ate anything!" He paused, blinking down at the meat bun that was currently in his clutches. "Not that I'm complaining, though."

_Shit. I'm attracting too much attention. _Gojyo swallowed hard and used every fiber of self-control in his body to not look at Sanzo, instead choosing to look over towards a silently questioning Hakkai.

"Monkey doesn't know what he's talkin' about. I think I'm long overdue for a good drink is all." He shoved his chair back with a loud scrape against the floor before catching his best friend's green gaze again. There was worry in it, as well as a question that Gojyo didn't want to answer. He nearly slapped a hand to his face and groaned. "Hey, the only thing I could possibly be sick of is watching the damn monkey eat and being too close to the monk all day." Goku yelled through his mouthful about not being called a monkey while Sanzo merely grunted his agreement.

"I think all of us will profit from you getting out of our hair for a while," Sanzo said simply. Gojyo was almost about to retaliate when he caught himself and "tch"-ed, putting hands in his pockets before turning away. He could only think about _wanting _to be in Sanzo's hair, figuratively and literally. A groan finally escaped him as he stepped outside, away from his constant annoyances. Running a hand through long, red locks, he began walking in hopes of finding a place to drown out his thoughts for a time.

* * *

Gojyo didn't return until much later that night, but by then he was at that stage when time didn't matter and all he could focus on was the nice feeling of a pillow under his head, which was only a flight of stairs away. He stumbled up the stairs as best he could and almost fell down once, but managed to catch himself before waking the entire inn. He giggled a little at the thought of Sanzo falling down stairs and realized, a little too soberly for his taste, that the proud monk would never allow himself to fall victim to such an embarrassing act. It was as if his pride alone would command gravity to do as he bid instead of running its course.

The obstacle that was the stairs now out of the way, Gojyo began to head towards the room he was sharing with Hakkai, first determining where exactly it was. But that pressing matter was immediately yanked from his mind when he saw a certain blond before him, one hand resting on the doorknob that led to the room he was sharing with Goku. But he wasn't moving . . . why? Oh. He had noticed Gojyo, and was staring at him with his thin brows drawn down, naturally.

"Back already, kappa?" Sanzo asked quietly in the darkness of the hallway. His robes had been abandoned in favor of his tight jeans and even tighter black top, which Gojyo sometimes wondered at. How did Sanzo manage to take that thing on and off? The sudden image of Sanzo shedding said garment made him shudder and hold back a moan. What the fuck was _wrong _with him lately? He wasn't supposed to be having these thoughts for members of the _same sex_!

"'m a master at getting' things I want real fast," he drawled, a half-grin spreading on his face. Sanzo glared at him in disgust.

"Just go to bed already, erogappa. I don't want to hear your bitching in the morning when you have a hangover." He turned to open the door, but froze as soon as Gojyo's fingertips were put to the back of his neck, still for a moment before they began to move.

Gojyo took a deep breath and felt the fine hairs that swept from the back of Sanzo's neck, marveling at how soft and wonderful they felt . . . He could feel a small shiver run across Sanzo's skin, but the moment was ruined when said monk turned to him with a promise of death burning in his eyes.

"Just what the _fuck _do you think you're doing?" Sanzo hissed, his thin body quivering with suppressed fury. Alarm bells rang in Gojyo's head and he stepped back a few paces, putting his hands up in a gesture of what he hoped was peace.

"Nothin', nothin' . . . Just going to bed, right?" Before the irate monk could draw his gun or harisen, he was all but running to his room, shutting the door behind him and releasing the breath he hadn't known he had been holding. Damn it, but that had been _close_! Just what the hell had he been thinking?

Moving softly so that Hakkai wouldn't wake up, he got into his bed and tossed and turned for a minute until he could calm down a little. It wasn't until then that he felt a pressing problem between his legs and he groaned softly into his pillow, wanting the nightmare to end. Just what the fuck was wrong with him, anyway?

_I gotta do something about this_, he thought, but whether it was about this new development in his life or the problem in his pants he couldn't decipher.

* * *

Tbc...?

A/N: I always seem to enjoy toturing Gojyo for some reason. Haha. Don't worry though, I am a profound fan of Sanzo torture as well...muahaha...ha?

Anyway, if I decide to continue with this little spree, there's bound to be some nice yaoi in the future ;) And that's all I will say.


	2. I wanna bring you down

A/N: Wow, I actually wrote more. Guess I'll just see where I can take this, right? Anyway, I figured it was meant to be, because while I was writing this chapter the song "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" came on my computer XD Hopefully I've gotten the characterization down in this chapter. If I haven't, feel free to verbally harass me.

Disclaimer: As much as I want to, I do not own Saiyuki or its characters. So there.

* * *

_Chapter 2_

If Hakkai or Goku noticed that there was a certain awkwardness present at the breakfast table, they both hid it very well. Neither chose not to address the burning glares that Sanzo would occasionally throw in Gojyo's direction, and the same could be said for the red-head's sheepish looks and sighs. Goku continued to fawn over the food while Hakkai went over a map of the area, sometimes bringing his head up to ask Sanzo a question.

Said monk was sitting rigidly in his chair, still trying to figure out what exactly had happened last night. A good portion of his sleepless night had been determining whether his awkward encounter with Gojyo in the hallway was a dream or not, but when he eventually came to the conclusion that it had been too real to be a figment of his mind—like he would even think of something like that to begin with—he had been so wrapped up in his anger that he had not properly delved into the reasoning behind it. But now he was burning a hole into the top of Gojyo's bowed head, trying to answer a stream of questions that would not leave him alone.

_Why would that pervert try something on me? I could tell he was drunk, but he's never done anything like that before even when drinking. _His violet eyes narrowed. _And now he's daring to act_ humiliated? _This kappa really has it coming to him._

"-zo? I asked if you were ready to get going."

He quickly switched his gaze from red to green, giving a little nod. Goku whined about wanting more food, but Sanzo merely whacked him once with the harisen to shut him up. They got up from the table after paying with the gold card and headed outside so that Jeep could transform.

Sanzo discreetly stole a glance to see what the stupid kappa was doing. That look was still on his face—a mixture of confusion and trepidation.

_He _should_ be scared, _he thought smugly. _One word escapes him and he won't be recognizable from all the bullet holes. _

"Hakkai, Gojyo still looks weird," he heard Goku mutter to the group's healer as they walked around the now-transformed Jeep to get to their respective places. "And he didn't really eat this morning either."

"I did notice," Hakkai confessed. He shot his friend a worried look before turning to climb into the driver's seat. "I'll talk to him later, I suppose."

Goku nodded before jumping into the back seat. Gojyo followed a little slower, still very careful not to look anywhere near Sanzo's direction. Sanzo gazed at him for a moment, those questions still flying madly through his head, before focusing on Hakkai and telling him to drive.

The ride to the next town wasn't what one would call relaxed. There was tension running through the air that every member of the Sanzo-ikkou could feel, and it all emanated from Sanzo and Gojyo. Both seemed to talk to one another in a strained manner—the few words they dared to say all day—drawing a slight frown from Hakkai and furrowed brows from Goku. They both knew that the red-head and the blond didn't favor each other's company much anyway, and argued constantly, but there was something different about this distance that made them so wary. What made it worse was that Sanzo could tell what they were thinking, but couldn't say a word about it.

_I'm not about to admit that the erogappa made a move on me, _he told himself more than once. Even that thought made his fists clench in suppressed agitation that he couldn't simply reach back and punch the kappa until he was unconscious, or better yet, dead. He found himself longing for one of Goku and Gojyo's usual arguments to spring up just so he could take out some of his irritation on them with the harisen, but hardly a word sounded from the back seat. So Sanzo was left to sit and brood all the way to the next town, which they arrived in by sundown.

He noticed that Hakkai stopped Gojyo before entering the inn they had chosen and muttered something to him, to which the latter nodded. Sanzo, telling himself that it was probably a "friend" thing, dismissed it and walked through the door into the building.

"You all right, Sanzo?"

He blinked down at Goku, who was hovering at his right elbow. He scowled.

"Bakasaru."

"That's not even an answer!" Goku protested, tugging on a sleeve of his robes even as he made his way to the innkeeper to get rooms. "Just say 'yes' or 'no', like a normal person!"

"Tch. Like any of us are normal," he mumbled with a slight glance towards Gojyo. Goku caught this and whipped his head towards the red-head, who was already chatting it up with a pretty, young maid, though he didn't seem to be too adamant about it.

"Is Gojyo giving you trouble?" Goku murmured low enough only for Sanzo to hear, his golden eyes narrowed. The tone in those words sounded so strange coming from Goku that Sanzo nearly choked.

"Just leave it alone, saru. He's only a perverted cockroach." He had drawn emphasis on the word "perverted," making it loud enough for the topic of the discussion to hear. He noted Gojyo's visible flinch with some satisfaction and turned towards the innkeeper again.

* * *

_Damn prissy monk_, Gojyo thought with a little smile to the maid he had been flirting with. She blushed and excused herself, claiming she had work to take care of. Gojyo wished he could vanish so easily.

That entire day had been nothing but hell for him. He had woken up with a searing headache, which Hakkai had wearily taken upon himself to heal the worst of, which made him feel a little guilty; he hated it when his friend used his chi for petty reasons, because it only sapped his energy. After vowing to never drink so much again—a vow that would soon be broken, knowing himself all too well—he had been visited by random images of the previous night. He could remember nearly falling down some stairs, and then there had been blond hair . . . Sanzo, apparently. He had reached out and felt it, and he could even recall the soft strands through his fingers, the skin of Sanzo's neck tingling under his touch.

And then the monk had gotten angry. Oh yeah, no doubt about that—there had been fire raging in those eyes. But when he had thought it over during breakfast, he figured he couldn't blame Sanzo; after all, the man always had perverts after him, only taking in his good looks and trying to harass him in some way. Gojyo probably wasn't any different.

The monk's piercing glare had been on him nearly the entire time it took for Goku to stuff every bit of food down his throat. He couldn't meet it, he just couldn't . . . He knew that he was still confused about this—this—whatever the fuck it was inside his head, messing with him every second of the day. And then the ride today, where hardly anything was said, had been pure torture. He had simply given Sanzo a wide berth, which Hakkai and Goku had caught onto, because Hakkai had stopped him before they had gone into the inn and asked him to talk to him later. Whatever that meant.

But he knew that the monk was still upset, could tell from the rigidness in his posture that his anger had not abated in the least over the course of the day. So he had felt his hair; so what? That shouldn't have been anything at all, especially since he was drunk and therefore not in total control of his actions . . . But he shook his head at that, knowing full well that he would have done it eventually, under the influence or not. There was this damn _fascination _he had developed, and Gods be good, it would not let him alone. The maid he had been trying to flirt with didn't even arouse him anymore. The only thing he could fully concentrate on was the intensity of Sanzo's glare, the heat radiating off of his body, that stupid—blond—_hair_ swaying with his movements.

_How did this happen_? he asked himself pitifully. _And _why _did it happen? How can I reverse it?_

There was no reversing it, he knew. There was probably even nothing to make the situation better. Gojyo had a horrible feeling that things would only turn worse from here, a prospect that made him groan out loud. Hakkai gave him _that_ look, which was his customary concerned expression for all matters related to Gojyo.

"Would you like me to get you more cigarettes while Goku and I do the shopping?" Hakkai asked him. Gojyo started.

"You . . . Wha? You're gonna let me stay at the inn this time?"

"Well, you're acting rather peculiar, and I personally don't want to be exposed to this strange mood of yours any longer than I have to." The slightly shorter man gave him a smile, to which Gojyo gave a short laugh and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Yeah . . . sorry. Guess I'm kinda out of it still."

Hakkai seemed to hesitate, glancing over to where the other two members of their party were still talking to the portly innkeeper, before asking, "This has something to do with you and Sanzo, doesn't it?"

The red-head jerked. "Me and the monk? There's nothing to talk about," he said, hoping his sudden nervousness didn't reveal itself in his voice. "He's a prick, end of story. Nothing different than usual."

His friend examined him closely. Gojyo tried not to fidget. "Don't lie to me, please. Did something happen yesterday that I'm not aware of?"

Gojyo snorted. "Aside from me getting drunk? I don't think so."

"Yes, well, you do have a tendency to do impulsive things when you drink, isn't that right?"

Gojyo stared at Hakkai, wondering just how much the other man knew of his topsy-turvy emotions. Had he been too obvious? Had he talked in his sleep, let something slip while unconscious? Sanzo and Goku returned in the midst of his newest panic attack, claiming that they would all have the luxury of four separate rooms that night. 

Gojyo breathed a sigh of relief at this, knowing that he would have cracked if he had been forced to share a room with Sanzo or Hakkai. Even the monkey was giving him these weird looks, as if to say "You come close to Sanzo and I'll bite you." Gojyo shook his head at the insanity around him and followed the innkeeper, who showed them where their rooms were.

It wasn't until Hakkai and Goku had left to do the shopping and find a restaurant—Sanzo and Gojyo claiming to not be hungry and telling the other two to eat without them—when Gojyo let his guard down for the first time that day. His mind was still buzzing with the usual chaos he'd been cursed with lately, but other than that he was actually alone for once, no need to be shoved in the face of that monk or to be put under scrutiny by Hakkai.

"Man, I need a smoke," he said to the blissfully empty room. He fished out a cigarette before he remembered hearing that this was a no-smoking inn. Cursing, he got up to make his way to the inn's balcony that was on the second floor—where their rooms were—and was grateful at least for the prosperity of the inn for having one so that he wouldn't have to stand out in the street.

His luck, however, apparently refused return no matter how hard he tried to coax it back. As soon as he stepped onto the balcony he immediately caught the attention of its only other inhabitant: a certain less-than-pleased monk. Their eyes met for the first time since last night, fiery amethyst against startled crimson, and Gojyo could feel the hand holding his cigarette begin to tremble.

_Fuck, stop that! _he tried telling his body. _It's just one little monk, what can he do? _Well, he could push Gojyo off the balcony, or shoot him, or even use the sutra to dispose of him once and for all . . .

Attempting to act nonchalant, Gojyo put the cigarette to his lips and lit up, surveying the view. The balcony was above a back street, meaning that there was no other person in sight. Sanzo took a long drag from his own cigarette and pretended that Gojyo simply didn't exist.

_Well, that's fine with me, _he thought with a small exhalation. _No need to make it any more awkward . . . _

But the silence was promising just that. He leaned on the railing of the balcony, gazing out at the town but not taking a single detail in. He continued to re-imagine his fingers through golden strands, the shudder he had felt through skin and blood and flesh, the heat that sparked so indefatigably from those condescending eyes. Gojyo closed his eyes and feebly tried to make himself stop, tried to back off of these alien feelings he would have been just fine not getting to know so intimately.

"Listen, kappa."

_Shit, he _is _gonna talk_, he thought miserably. His eyes still closed, he turned his head a little in the direction of Sanzo's voice, letting him know that he was listening.

"What you did last night will never happen again. I don't care if you were drunk. The next time, you'll get a bullet between the eyes. Got it?"

Gojyo took a drag and let it out slowly. "Are you implying that there _is _going to be a next time?"

A startled silence followed. Sanzo made a strange choking noise that Gojyo simply had to grin at.

"Of course I wasn't, asshole! I don't want you touching me. _Ever_. I'm not one of those whores you like to spend so much time with. Don't even _think _about trying to—"

"Trying to what, exactly?" Gojyo finally opened his eyes, shifting his body so that he could glance back at the seething monk. "I'm just a touchy-feely sort of guy. Yeah, I was drunk, there is that . . . Who's to say I didn't do it simply because I wanted to mess with you? Did you just automatically assume that it was something, I dunno, _sexual_?"

Sanzo looked like he was about to whip out the gun at any moment. A faint tinge of red was spreading across his cheeks, which made something flip over in Gojyo's stomach; had he ever seen Sanzo blushing before? Or perhaps that was the coloring of indignation.

"You—fucking—bast—"

"You know," he interrupted yet again, detaching himself from the railing and snuffing out his cigarette. "I think you jump to conclusions, cherry-chan. Maybe you _wanted _it to be sexual. Hm?" He didn't know what was possessing him to go this far, knowing what would happen if he poked the bear too much, but at this point he felt like he was going to go crazy from all of this mess building up inside of him, all of the words not being spoken and his confusion and desperation getting the better of him. He moved closer to Sanzo, who was glaring at him in all of his Sanzo-like ways, trying to get him to back off. Gojyo chuckled.

"I don't think you even know the meaning of 'sexual'," he continued in a lower voice. "But I think you _want _to know."

"You don't know what you're fucking talking about," Sanzo hissed, taking a step back from Gojyo's advancing form.

"Mm. Maybe I don't. However . . ." He leaned towards the blond, a sly smile in place. "I think I can show you the difference."

And then his mouth was on Sanzo's.

A/N: So, should I continue? Dunno. Reviews are appreciated!


	3. So much easier to run

A/N: Another chapter?! Why, yes indeed. I dunno how far I'm even planning on taking this, but it passes the time, so there XD Anyway, hope you like it. Btw: Hakkai is a hard character to write oO

Disclaimer: Do not own. Leave me alone.

Warning: Some mild yaoi here, folks. Don't like, then don't read.

* * *

_Chapter 3_

Sanzo was frozen to spot. All he could really comprehend was that there was a pair of lips on his, warm and enveloping. His sight was filled with crimson because the person who was toying with death was none other than the kappa, the pervert who just wouldn't leave him alone no matter how many threats he made.

But he made no move to back away. He merely stood there, quivering in fury, while Gojyo swiped his tongue against his lips, inching ever closer to hell with every move he made. Lips connected again and Sanzo felt his hands curl into fists.

When Gojyo finally moved away, he stared at Sanzo with those infuriating red eyes; there was something lit in them that Sanzo did not like one bit. But before he could decipher what exactly it was, his fist was colliding with Gojyo's jaw, knocking him down hard. He was breathing fast, the wind cooling the wetness on his mouth that he wiped at aggressively.

"You little shit," he growled. "You dare—You _dare—_"

"Oh, be quiet, monk," Gojyo said from the floor, rubbing his jaw tenderly and wincing. "Don't pretend you didn't like it."

Sanzo nearly starting sputtering his indignation but caught himself before he could. He didn't want to show any sort of helplessness around this bastard. "I'm going to fucking _kill _you."

"Yeah, right." The kappa picked himself up and dusted off his clothes, acting too casual that it made Sanzo all the more furious. "Make the threats all you want, but—"

He was silenced with a gunshot. Sanzo had the weapon pointing straight at Gojyo's chest, promising to himself that he would not miss the next time. The red-head's eyes were wide now, apparently not anticipating this newest addition to the scenario he had created. Sanzo smirked, his hands still trembling a little but managing to hold his gun rather steadily.

"So you've finally sunk low enough to do something so disgusting?" Sanzo asked him quietly. Gojyo watched him avidly, his face annoyingly calm. "You're just like the rest of those damn perverts out there. You think because of my face you can treat me however you damn well please?"

"No."

Sanzo's mouth twitched. "What?"

Gojyo sighed, running a hand through his long hair. "This has nothing to do with your _face_, Sanzo-sama. To tell you the truth, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, but I'm doing it anyway." He finally looked away, looking lost. "Well . . . who knows what this is, anyway? _I _don't even know. I don't even know why it had to be you, of all people . . ."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sanzo frowned. "Is that pervert-code for something?"

"Damn it, Sanzo, would you just—"

"I don't have to listen to someone like you. You're worse than a cockroach."

The red-head stared at him, his expression that of someone who just found out that their most prized possession was lost. Something itched in the back of Sanzo's mind, but he dismissed it as he focused on Gojyo, gun still aloft before him. One twitch of his finger and he would be rid of this pest forever. His lips were still tingling and he hated it.

"You're not indebted to me in any way. I see no reason for you to continue with this journey."

Gojyo jerked. "What?"

"I said I don't want to see your damn face anymore. You're no longer part of this journey."

The kappa made a sort of choking noise and watched him disbelievingly. He was still for only a moment before a small smile made his lips curl up with a wry chuckle. "Sorry, Sanzo-sama, but I believe those three talking heads of yours would say differently."

Sanzo's eyes widened marginally in realization. "Shit." He dropped his arm and turned to storm back inside, his humiliation overwhelming. He couldn't bear being in the same company as this bastard anymore.

"Wait, Sanzo—"

"Don't touch me!" he nearly shouted. But Gojyo's hand circled his upper arm, pulling him back. Sanzo met his gaze with what he hoped was a look of instant death. He tried to tear himself free of the kappa's hold but found himself held even tighter, Gojyo's other hand grabbing his shoulder.

"You should hear me out before you make any rash decisions," Gojyo told him desperately. "Please?"

Was he actually _begging_? Sanzo growled low in his throat and attempted to break free again. Gojyo pinned him to the wall of the inn, much too close for the monk's liking, his eyes still boring into Sanzo.

"Just let me show you," Gojyo nearly whispered.

Sanzo brought the gun back up to rest at the kappa's ribcage. His body was practically screaming from the physical contact that Gojyo was providing, not used to being so close to someone and not enjoying the feeling at all. "No. You want to treat me like one of your whores, then I'm going to treat you like the insect you really are. Now get the fuck away from me."

"But I _don't _want to treat you like some whore, you damn monk! That's what I'm trying to fucking explain!" Gojyo drew a deep breath, his eyes glancing towards the gun. "Listen, I don't know _why _I've started to feel this way, but you're not the only one who doesn't like it. If I had a say in the matter I'd get rid of this faster than you could shoot me. But it _won't _go away, so I have to do something about it. Right? Don't you understand that?"

"No, you _don't_ have to do something about it. And I don't understand. You're going to harass me like all those other fuckers out there and I'm not going to tolerate it."

"But it's different!" Gojyo's voice was rising, his eyes blazing in some emotion that made Sanzo want to back away, the wall preventing him from doing so. "Shit, I'm trying to let you know . . . Fuck!"

And then he was kissing him again. Sanzo felt the jolt that traveled through his body at the contact, not being used to this sort of experience. Gojyo took advantage of the momentarily stunned monk and yanked the gun away from him, throwing it towards the opposite end of the balcony. Sanzo opened his mouth to start lashing out at the kappa but ended up gasping instead when a smooth, wet tongue plunged through his open lips, colliding with his own muscle. A strangled noise sounded in his throat and he started to fight against his captor again, cursing himself endlessly for ending up in this sort of predicament. Damn it, he was Genjyo Sanzo, _not _someone to be taken advantage of from some lowly pervert.

Gojyo pushed him harder against the wall, pressing his warm body against Sanzo's smaller one, completely devouring the other's mouth with his own. Sanzo started to feel the beginnings of panic coming, forcing himself to keep a cool head and failing. He could feel Gojyo against him, the proximity of another person foreign to him and making his oversensitive nerves tingle at the feeling, his tongue sliding against Gojyo's making his mind cloudy.

It was when Gojyo moaned his name that he became aware of himself again. He bit down—_hard_.

"SHIT!" Gojyo backed away immediately, his hand flying to his mouth. "You fucking bastard!"

Sanzo was panting heavily, a trickle of saliva trailing from the corner of his mouth. He wiped it away in disgust, trembling worse than ever as he glared daggers at the man before him, who was only now looking guilty.

"Shit . . . I didn't mean to . . . That was probably not the best thing to do," the red-head said softly, looking away.

"You're damn right it wasn't," Sanzo whispered, not trusting his voice at the moment. He walked on unsteady legs to retrieve his gun and walked back to the door, never looking towards Gojyo. His pride felt shattered and his body was still on fire, his lips swollen. Some part of him had responded to that little "demonstration of Gojyo's feelings," and he absolutely hated himself for it. He was above such things.

He was above letting perverts having their way with him.

"Don't you dare even try talking to me, or touching me, again," he said over his shoulder before he disappeared inside the inn.

* * *

Gojyo groaned as he pounded his head against the table, cursing himself over and over for his little display of affection. _Why _had he done it? Why couldn't he control himself?

A soft, polite cough sounded next to him. He looked up into Hakkai's green gaze, meeting it with his own woebegone one.

"Would you like to talk about it?" his friend asked simply. Gojyo sighed and propped his elbow on the table placed in his room, resting his head on his hand. He had come back here only to find Hakkai already patiently waiting for him. He figured it was better to get it over with and let his friend know about the thoughts torturing him.

_Might as well scream it to the world, _he thought bitterly. _The way I go about it, every town we've stopped in has probably started the rumors already._

"Well, Gojyo?"

"Yeah, yeah . . ." Another sigh. "Hakkai, I'm a pervert."

Hakkai blinked at him. "Well . . . I hate it say it, but that hardly comes as a surprise to me. Is that all that's troubling you? You _can _change your ways, you know. It's all a matter of self-discipline."

Gojyo didn't know if he should laugh or weep. "Yes, well, as much as I would like to, I don't think that would work quite well in this scenario."

The green-eyed man nodded. "I figured that would be the case. I mean, we _are _talking about Sanzo, after all."

He nearly fell from his chair in shock. The red-head gaped at his friend, his brain trying to formulate a cohesive sentence to say but only coming out with a loud, "Ahhh?!"

Hakkai chuckled. "Oh come on, Gojyo. You can't deny that you've been painfully obvious for a few months now."

"But you—you—why didn't you tell me if you knew?" Gojyo demanded shrilly. His embarrassment seemed never-ending.

"I figured you didn't want to talk about it."

Gojyo narrowed his eyes. "But _you _were the one who suggested we talk."

"Yes, because you've really seemed to be spiraling lately and I don't want to see you messed up more than you already are." Such words coming from Hakkai made Gojyo silent and the other man gave a small sigh of his own, resting his elbows on the table. His expression turned somber, his smile gone. "You don't have to explain it to me. I should know that it doesn't matter who you love, as long as you love them dearly and they love you in return. Of course, like I said, this is Sanzo we're discussing, and that man has a tendency to be impossible to have open up to anyone. The closest I've seen is with Goku."

Gojyo nearly flinched. _Yeah, well, what's so great about the stupid monkey_? he asked himself with no real answer ready. "I know that. But I can't fucking help it! I don't _want _to feel that way towards the shitty monk, but there you have it, I'm doomed. And now he fucking _hates _me . . . Well, hates more, actually. But still—"

"Wait," Hakkai interrupted, "what are you talking about? Did something happen between you two?"

_Shit. _Gojyo swallowed before looking away. "Well, um . . . I kinda . . . did something to really piss him off. Now he won't even talk to me."

Hakkai let out a deep breath. "Oh, Gojyo. Why did you have to do that?"

Wondering if his friend could read minds, Gojyo frowned at him. "Like I said, I can't help it. Now he's probably training the bakasaru to attack if I come too close or something."

Hakkai watched him for a moment. Gojyo fidgeted under the stare, not liking it when the other man did this. He felt too exposed for his liking.

"You do know that Sanzo has issues when it comes to people getting close to him."

"Yeah, whatever." Gojyo got up from the table to open the window so that he could smoke, rules be damned. "That's just because he's a bastard and doesn't trust people."

"Not necessarily."

The red-head's hand twitched while getting out a cigarette and turned to Hakkai. "And how would you know?"

Hakkai gave a half-shrug. "We know that when he was young, someone dear to him was killed right before his eyes. By youkai." Gojyo flinched. "I would think that he distances himself from everyone so that he wouldn't have to go through such a feeling of loss ever again. While I can sympathize, I don't think it's all that healthy."

"Well, he certainly fails in that aspect," Gojyo snorted. "What about him and Goku?"

"I believe that Goku has unknowingly breeched that wall," Hakkai agreed, nodding thoughtfully. "But you know . . . who's to say that we haven't either?"

Gojyo nearly choked on his incredulous laughter. "Don't get your pretty little hopes up, Hakkai. Sanzo-sama wouldn't dare have _feelings _for us lowly _youkai_."

"You don't look hard enough."

Gojyo paused in lighting his cigarette. He gazed at the lighter for a moment before looking to Hakkai, who watched him with his usual smile back in place.

"That still doesn't solve my problem."

"I know. I'm simply trying to make you understand where he's coming from." Hakkai leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. "But when Sanzo gets mad, he gets _mad_. You've landed yourself in pretty deep, my friend."

"Don't remind me . . ."

Hakkai looked towards the ceiling, lost in thought. Gojyo took a drag on his cigarette and blew out slowly, trying to think as well and coming up with nothing. He couldn't just barge into Sanzo's room and demand forgiveness, nor would he possibly do something so ridiculous such as buying flowers with one of those sappy cards. That image made him smile in dark humor.

"I suppose there's no avoiding it. You simply have to talk to him."

Gojyo turned to him again. "Yeah, except that you're forgetting one important thing: the fucker won't talk to me. He even refuses to acknowledge that I'm alive."

"You'll just have to try your best," Hakkai told him with that same smile.

* * *

Sanzo turned over in bed, restless and still fuming from Gojyo's earlier stunt. The scene kept replaying over and over in his head, not leaving him alone long enough to fall into a sleep that was very much needed for someone like him who hardly slept at all. He could still faintly feel Gojyo's tongue touching his, the hot breath that had hit his face, the hard muscles pressed against him. He had never felt anything like that before, and it had nearly driven him to panic, completely destroying his composure. That was something that he thought was only an impossibility.

He brought his callused fingers to his lips, wondering why Gojyo's were so soft and why his were not. It took him a minute to realize what he was doing, and when he did he snatched his fingers away as if they had been burned. He turned over again and grabbed his pillow roughly, wanting to murder something. Or someone.

"Shit."

A/N: So there you are. Reviews are appreciated.


	4. This isthe way I wanted it to bewith you

A/N: I'm back!! Goodness, I never realized I would take the story so far XD I actually finished it to the end, about 9 or chapters total, so I guess no one has to worry about me continuing it or not. Anyways, thanks to all for the reviews, I do appreciate them.

Warning: Yaoi in this chapter, folks. On a certain level, anyway ;) Don't like, then don't bother reading.

Disclaimer: Don't own Saiyuki or its characters.

* * *

_Chapter 4_

It had been a couple of days and Gojyo still couldn't muster up the courage to talk to Sanzo about his little mistake. He felt like an exile; Sanzo pretended he simply wasn't there, Goku kept giving him violent looks and ignored him while they rode in the backseat, and Hakkai could only say stuff like "You just have to try harder" or "Why are you stalling? This group can't be separated, you know, so we all have to get along with each other somehow."

_I know that, damn it, _he thought as he paced his room, them having once again been fortunate enough to find an inn with four different rooms for them. They were small, sure, but Gojyo usually didn't care and simply reveled in his alone time. Only this time he was filled with panic and unease, making it not so sweet as usual. He knew he had to do something soon, but by the Gods, he had no idea _what_.

"That's it," he said out loud. "This has got to end." The past two days had been so painful to just sit back and stare at Sanzo, not being able to talk to him or hear his voice directed towards him. Painful to know that Sanzo hated him with every fiber of his being.

_He hated me before, so why am I so upset over this? _He rubbed his forehead tiredly, trying to come up with an answer. _Am I actually _hurt _by this? Is this really what I've come to?_

Unable to take his wallowing any longer, he stormed out of the room and made his way to Sanzo's, being brave enough to raise his hand as if to knock but then freezing in that pose, hesitation taking over him again. What was he doing? He brought his hand down and turned to hurry back when the door opened and the monk who inhabited his every thought emerged, looking slightly startled at Gojyo merely standing there.

The red-head worked his mouth for a while before anything could come out. "Sanzo, I—"

Sanzo directed his eyes elsewhere and made as if to walk past Gojyo, but the latter shot out his hand and grabbed the blond, who immediately stiffened under his touch.

"Now listen here, monk, you and I are gonna have a little chat, whether you like it or not," Gojyo said in a low voice, acting as bold as he wished he could feel right now. His mind was screaming, _No! No! What the fuck are you doing? _but he paid no heed to it and focused only on Sanzo, who still refused to look at him. He pushed the monk back inside the room and followed, closing the door behind him. Sanzo was the perfect picture of fury, but he ignored it and locked the door for good measure, not wanting to be interrupted.

"All right, well . . . I suppose I should explain why I did what I did," Gojyo began lamely. "I've felt this, this . . . _this_ towards you for a long time now, and I don't _want _to, but it's not leaving any time soon so I figured I might as well do something about it. And of course, well, you didn't appreciate it. I wasn't even planning on . . . well, on doing _that_. Not so suddenly. I didn't want to make you mad, or . . . or hate me." He paused, looking around the room and taking a deep breath. "Okay, so I'm a pervert, whatever. I suppose I deserve you hating me. But I wanted you to know that it wasn't just me taking advantage of you. I wouldn't . . . I mean, I would never want to . . . well, you know. I've seen those bastards who try to get their hands on you, and I've dealt with some of them, although you probably didn't know about that.

"And I know about that whole 'don't like getting close to people' thing you have. I understand that, really. But I figured, why bother? Isn't it better to have people who like you and you like in return, rather than having 'slaves' as companions and not being able to talk to anyone?" He knew he was treading on thin ice because Sanzo's expression kept darkening with every word he spoke. He plunged on, though. "Goku means something to you, even though you'd never admit it, but it's obvious! So you should . . . should let your guard down once in a while, and let people in . . ." He was floundering for words, now. "You should let _me _in, because I'm not just some pervert. I want—" Gojyo stopped himself suddenly, not wanting to say anything _too _stupid at this moment. "Well, is it so much to want you to be happy for once, you damn monk?"

A long stretch of silence followed his words. After what seemed like years Sanzo, still not making eye contact with him, spoke.

"Are you finished?"

Gojyo licked his lips nervously. "Yeah. I guess."

"Good." Sanzo walked towards him, and for one unbelieving minute Gojyo thought that the blond would suddenly start reciprocating his feelings, to wrap his arms around him and say, "Take me, I'm yours!" But when his common sense returned to him he realized that Sanzo was unlocking the door, apparently intent on fleeing the scene as fast as possible. Gojyo swore and stopped him, grabbing his shoulders harshly.

"Fucking KAPPA!" Gojyo winced; Sanzo was beyond pissed now. "You really want to die _that badly_?"

"Didn't you listen to a word I said?" Gojyo asked desperately. "You have to understand that I'm not like those other guys, I don't want to—"

" 'Take advantage' of me, right? 'Cause it looks like you're doing just that," Sanzo snarled. Gojyo quickly let go, watching Sanzo's eyes finally lock onto his. His heartbeat sped up with that gaze so intent on him. "I don't need you preaching to me, erogappa. I don't _care _what your precious little feelings are. I live for myself and no one else. Got that?"

Gojyo was lost for words. He wanted to tell Sanzo more, tell him that he really wasn't sorry for kissing him, tell him that he wanted to do it again. But Sanzo was glaring at him so ruthlessly, his fingers itching to unlock the door and escape from him yet again. He frowned; he didn't want that. What he _did _want . . . well, it was rather simple, what he wanted. And it was in arm's reach.

He raised his hand and brought it to rest against the side of Sanzo's face. The blond's eyes widened and he looked as if he were going to draw the gun again, but Gojyo stepped forward and said,

"You're just a faker. I know you care." Sanzo opened his mouth to retort, but Gojyo put his thumb against his lower lip, causing the smaller male to start. "People want to get close to you, but you won't let them. Hm. Well, I think I wanna change that." He brought his face closer to Sanzo's, watching the different emotions that flitted across violet irises. Anger, shock, confusion . . . fear? Gojyo blinked at that, wondering if he had interpreted it correctly. He stroked his thumb against Sanzo's lip gently, feeling the blond shudder.

"Why?"

Gojyo paused. The word that Sanzo had managed to croak out reverberated inside of him and he had to ponder the same thing. _Why am I so inclined to be so close to him?_ He shook his head and came even closer, feeling Sanzo's breath hit his skin.

"Do I really need a reason?" And then he replaced his thumb with his lips, feeling that same electric shock to his system as he did the first time. Sanzo again made no move to get away, so Gojyo wrapped his arms around him and drew him closer, angling his lips to capture Sanzo's better. Sanzo made an indistinct noise, but Gojyo ignored it and slid his hand up and down his back, feeling the hard lines and contours of the monk's body. He brought his tongue forward to tease at Sanzo's closed lips, wanting access to that foul mouth of his. What happened next nearly made Gojyo jump back in shock; Sanzo granted him entry.

With a small gasp, he let his tongue slide through those hard, wonderful lips and connected with the muscle beyond, drawing a little moan from him and a sharp inhalation from Sanzo. He buried his fingers in blond locks and continued kissing the monk senseless, letting their tongues slide together in a slow dance of uncertainty before becoming a frantic battle. They were both emitting small noises every now and then, Gojyo reveling in every one that Sanzo made, making him shiver in need that was marginally being taken care of by their attached mouths. They had to break away to regain their breath after a time, but jumped right back to it as soon as they gotten sufficient oxygen back. Gojyo could feel Sanzo grip his arms harshly, enough to hurt and leave bruises, but he didn't care in the least. He was kissing Sanzo, and Sanzo was _kissing him back_.

He started a trail of kisses across the blond's jaw, running his tongue against a spot just behind Sanzo's ear. Sanzo gasped and shuddered, tightening his hold on Gojyo. The red-head let his lips travel down the pale neck until the damned turtleneck got in the way. Impatiently he pushed it down and attached his mouth to the sensitive skin, drawing an unexpected moan from the monk in his arms. Liking this sound, Gojyo continued these ministrations to his neck and listened proudly to the noises he could make Sanzo let out, never having once imagined that the monk could be so . . . _vocal_. After he was satisfied with his work, Gojyo brought himself back to a breathless Sanzo's lips and nibbled at them teasingly before slipping his tongue back in again.

His lips were not exactly soft, but Gojyo loved the feeling of them, wanting to savor every time he got to touch them with his and experiencing something that no one else had had a chance to have. He let his tongue explore the monk's mouth thoroughly as if trying to stake his territory. His taste was something Gojyo couldn't get enough of; it was as addicting as the nicotine that destroyed his lungs. He rued this latter fact when they had to stop for breath again, panting heavily with their faces close together. Gojyo saw red streaking across Sanzo's face, and just like that time on the balcony, his stomach flipped over. He moved away a little so that he could see the look on Sanzo's face and he was rewarded with lidded violet eyes, blushing cheeks and swollen, red lips. The picture made the ache between his legs all the more unbearable and he moaned out loud, diving in to claim Sanzo once again.

But this time something was different. He could feel Sanzo become rigid against him, and he stopped immediately, leaning back to see a blank expression on the blond's face. Without a word Sanzo pushed him away roughly and unlocked the door, hurrying out of the room and not looking back.

Gojyo could only stand there in stunned silence, too many emotions and sensations running through him that he did not know what to do. After a minute or two, when his heartbeat fell back to its normal pattern, he sunk down onto the bed and held his head in his hands.

_What the hell just happened?_

* * *

Sanzo tried to regain his breath and only managed to make it worse by thinking over what he had just done and panicking all the more. He moved through the streets of the town, getting as far as he could from the inn, not meeting anyone's eye.

_Why did I do that? Why did he have to do that? What happened? _His thoughts were anything but coherent, and he kept swearing out loud, making some people in the streets turn their heads his way. Attention was the last thing he wanted, so he found himself walking away from the town and towards the copse of trees nearby, remembering them from when they had passed by to get to the town. He sat with his back to one of the trees and held his head in one hand, the other groping around for his pack of cigarettes.

"Shit. Stupid fucking kappa." He brought a cigarette to his lips—still swollen and mouth still tasting of Gojyo—and grimaced.

_Why did I react like that?_

With a bitter snort he looked up towards the grey sky and wondered just that. He had thought he was above such things. He had thought something so absurd as this could never happen to him.

_This is why I wanted to do this stupid mission on my own_, he thought resentfully. _I don't need others. Especially not that bastard. _He thought about how tightly Gojyo had held onto him, how he had moaned into Sanzo's mouth, as if he had actually given a shit, like he had said. He brought his knees up and rested his arms on them, his head bowed.

_I don't need anyone._

* * *

A/N: Angst!! Yaaay!! ahem R&R..?


	5. How close is too close?

A/N: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed! Much love goes out to all of you. I'm so glad that you guys are liking the story so far :D I love getting feedback. I'm a whore for it, what can I say?

Warning: Slight yaoi in this chapter.

Disclaimer: Do. Not. Own.

* * *

_Chapter Five_

"Please don't go crazy if I tell you the truth  
No, you don't know what happened,  
And you never will if  
You don't listen to me while I talk to the wall  
This blanket is freezing, it's been out in the hall  
Where you've had me for hours  
Till I'm sure what I want,  
But darling, I want the same thing that I wanted before  
So sweetheart tell me what's up, I won't stop, no way."

-_How To Be Dead _by Snow Patrol

A rustling nearby caused him to jerk his head up. If that stupid cockroach had followed him out here . . .

But his sour disposition only curdled more when he saw a small group of about four or five youkai approaching him, the leader grinning as if in triumph at his find and cracking his knuckles.

"Oh ho! The great Genjyo Sanzo, all alone and defenseless? What happened to your little youkai bodyguards, eh?"

Sanzo could feel his left eye twitching ever so slightly. _This _was the very last thing he needed right now. Or maybe, he reconsidered with a smirk spreading on his lips, it was just what he needed. He carefully stood up and made a show of dusting off his robes in an unhurried way. The youkai who had spoken frowned and brandished his sharp claws towards the unworried monk.

"Hey, baldy, I'm threatenin' you here! You better be ready, because we're gonna take that sutra from your cold, dead body!"

Sanzo snuffed out his cigarette and blew out the smoke of the last drag he had taken. "I don't think so."

"Wha—" The youkai snarled and crouched, ready to attack. The others behind him did the same, all having that annoying determined look in their eyes. Sanzo smiled coldly and pulled out his gun, more than happy to give this scum the death they rightfully deserved.

The youkai, however, was faster than he looked. He lunged at Sanzo, the blond only having a split second to dodge and bring his gun around to fire. He swore when the bullet only got the youkai's shoulder, spinning to the others before they could overcome him. He managed to take down two before the others and the leader surrounded him, coming towards him with growls and claws raised. Sanzo mentally cursed; there were three of them, and he only had two bullets left.

Making up his mind quickly, he took careful aim and shot one—then the other—while trying to avoid their advances. The two youkai went down with strangled howls, Sanzo dancing back so that he wouldn't get too close to the leader. The surviving youkai called him a wild string of curses and the like while jumping towards him. Sanzo tried to reload, but the youkai took him down to the ground, trying to use his deadly claws to slice the monk into ribbons. Sanzo could feel the scratches accumulating on his body, but he ignored them all and dropped his gun in favor of using his hands to reach up and twist the youkai's head, breaking his neck. The body fell heavily on top of him, making him grunt in pain. He pushed it off with effort and sat for a minute, regaining his breath and wondering why these youkai had been a little more difficult to kill than usual. After all, back when he had been traveling alone, this would have been nothing.

He thought it might have had to do with the others and getting too used to their help in battles that he had gotten rusty on fighting them by himself. He frowned at that, wiping the sweat off his forehead before reaching over to pick up his gun, reloading it quickly just in case. Tentatively he got to his feet and wobbled a little, but it was nothing too serious. The youkai had managed to cut him up quite a bit, but it was nothing that Hakkai couldn't help fix, and even though he had gotten a little winded he was sure he could walk back to the inn no problem.

Sanzo frowned again at his thoughts. He was right: he was depending too much on those bastards travelling with him.

And even the notion of depending on an idiot like the kappa made him feel physically ill. Or that could have been because he was losing more blood than he had suspected. Not even bothering to look back at the bodies, he walked away from the copse of trees and back towards the inn, steeling himself for the tirade he would get from Hakkai and Goku and already feeling his ire rise.

The sun was in the midst of setting when he got there, and as predicted, Hakkai exclaimed over his injuries and Goku demanded to know what had happened and where. Sanzo, strangely enough, did not see Gojyo anywhere, but he found this a relief and didn't bother questioning the others about it. The idiot was probably already drinking himself into oblivion and finding some slut to take back to his room tonight instead of him.

That thought alone made Hakkai ask about the sudden grimace that had appeared on his face. Sanzo brushed it off as nothing and, instead of having the healer of their group use his chi to heal the scratches, he said he would take care of them himself and headed towards his room, leaving a stunned Hakkai and an angry saru behind him.

When he opened the door to his room, however, his agitation seemed to skyrocket almost beyond his control when he saw a head of red hair by the window, turning around when Sanzo entered and eyes widening at his current state.

"What the hell happened?" he asked before Sanzo could order him to get out. "Were you ambushed or something?"

"Something like that," Sanzo said frostily. "What the fuck are you doing here?" Their little act from earlier was still spinning around in his head, taunting and confusing him, and it didn't help to be staring at the person who had started the entire mess, easily in punching distance. He honestly considered his options but was startled out of his thoughts when Gojyo came closer to him and took hold of him, examining an especially nasty laceration on his upper arm. Sanzo needed to stop the bleeding soon.

"You were . . ." There was this stupid look on the kappa's face, as if he was at a loss of what to say but wanting to let Sanzo know how worried he was. Sanzo let out a noise of irritation and effortlessly got out of the red-head's hold, moving over to the bed and putting down the bag of medicinal things that he had taken from Hakkai.

"Those youkai bastards are everywhere. It shouldn't be a surprise."

Gojyo turned to him, his eyes still full of that emotion that Sanzo hated to see. "But still, you were alone."

"I've been taking care of myself since I was _thirteen_, idiot. I know how to kill stupid creatures." He saw the slight downturn of lips on the other male's face before turning back to the contents of the bag, taking out what he needed to see to his grazes. "Get out. I need to stop the bleeding."

The kappa shook his head. "I fucking hate what you do to me."

Sanzo stiffened. "Excuse me? What the hell have I ever done to _you_, erogappa? If I remember correctly, it's _you _who keeps harassing me all the fucking time!"

Gojyo shook his head again, his hair swaying with the movement. "You put me through hell, you damn monk. You make me worry, you drag me through this endless torture session—" Sanzo snorted. "—and you refuse to even listen to me. And you make me feel these things I'd be a hell of a lot happier without feeling."

"That makes two of us."

"Would you just—!" Gojyo took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. Sanzo smirked. "You kissed me back."

That made the half-smile disappear from the blond's face. He clutched the linen bandages in suddenly trembling hands and he gave the kappa a murderous look. If only looks could actually kill.

Gojyo started to walk towards him. "Whatever you say, I know that _something _got through. You reacted, anyway, even if you try to deny it." Too close again. Much too close. Sanzo was about to grab the harisen to let him have it but then the red-head's face was in his again, their noses almost touching. Something lurched dangerously in the pit of Sanzo's stomach.

"I think you're trying to repress something, Sanzo-sama," Gojyo continued, one of his confident little smiles in place. "What could it be? Could it be . . ." He leaned over and whispered into his right ear, " . . . that you want to do it again?" Sanzo shuddered at the sensation of the hot breath hitting his ear, Gojyo moving his lips over the area of his neck but not actually touching the skin. The trembling worsened. Sanzo knew that he couldn't say anything, because if he even tried to open his mouth, something embarrassing might just slip out—like the noise he wanted to make when Gojyo's mouth found his other ear, the sound of his breathing loud and seemingly filling every space in Sanzo's head.

"Could it be that you _want _me?" Gojyo murmured. "But no, you don't know what you want." He moved again, bringing his face to Sanzo's, their mouths not even an inch apart. "But I . . ." He brought them closer still, teasing, taunting, never touching. Sanzo thought that he just might go crazy in this moment, that he would finally snap and do something regrettable. Gojyo's lips were so unbearably close and not making any sort of contact. Against his will he looked up at crimson eyes staring intently at him, locked onto their depth and wondering why the emotion still hadn't burnt out of them by now.

"I do know what I want," the red-head nearly whispered, lips ever closer. Sanzo could almost feel them, even though no skin was connecting. "But I can't do anything," closer, "unless I know what you _really _want . . ." The slightest touch of his lips on Sanzo's, the barest sensation, and then the blond was gripping the front of Gojyo's shirt and bringing him down to meet him full-on.

He wasn't sure what he was doing, and berated himself mentally non-stop, but it didn't make him cease his actions. Gojyo pressed his mouth onto his hungrily, as if wanting desperately to eat his favorite meal before it was taken away from him. Sanzo let his lips part for Gojyo to come exploring again, the slick feeling of their tongues against one another something that made a violent shudder run through him. Gojyo's left hand wrapped around him to rest at his lower back, the other running down his front, slipping through the fold of the robes and brushing a nipple through the tight black top. Sanzo broke away with a slightly startled gasp, but Gojyo just grinned and delved into his mouth again, trying to devour him whole. Sanzo let him.

The red-head ran his thumb over the nipple again and Sanzo moaned into his mouth, vaguely wondering how many women had moaned like the whores they were when Gojyo had done something like that. When Gojyo ran his hand down his side, though, he let out a hiss of pain and the other male drew back, a worried look back on his scarred face.

"You-You're still . . . bleeding," Gojyo said lamely, a bit of color forming on his cheeks. Sanzo glared at him incredulously and, mustering up his pride, turned away from him and picked up the bandages again.

"Get out of my room, erogappa."

This time the other did as he was told.

* * *

"Oh? What is it this time?"

Gojyo glanced over at Hakkai before plopping down onto a chair, letting a deep sigh escape him with the movement. The green-eyed man smiled and patted his shoulder as if for comfort or encouragement. Gojyo snickered at his predicament and leaned forward on the small table in Hakkai's room, wondering what exactly to say. He knew 

he should at least say something to his friend so that he wouldn't be assaulted by worried questions later. Finding his resolve at last, he mustered up his courage and began to talk.

"Well, I don't think he's _quite _as mad as he was before . . ." he began unsurely.

"That's a good thing, isn't it?" Hakkai asked.

"I guess. But, uh . . ." He let out another great sigh. "I just don't know, Hakkai. I can never tell with that prick. I mean, who the hell can even guess what goes on in that warped little head of his? He might be plotting my murder at this very moment. Watch, in the middle of the night he'll come sneaking in and BAM! That'll finally be the end of the wonderfully long-legged Sha Gojyo. Women the world over will weep for their loss."

"Somehow I feel as if you're not telling me everything."

Gojyo looked at the other man and let loose a laugh despite himself. "I can't win with you either, can I? Fine, fine. I, uh . . . well, I did that thing again, and he wasn't quite as mad as last time. But then he runs off only to come back covered with fucking _claw_-marks everywhere—"

"Ah, yes, seems as if our ill-tempered leader managed to get himself in a brawl with some youkai assassins," Hakkai supplied unnecessarily. "I managed to get a quick look at the wounds before he ran off, but they didn't look too bad. You shouldn't worry about them too much. Although I _do _wish he would have let me heal a few . . ."

Gojyo groaned and tilted his head to rest on his open palms. "He's driving me bat-shit crazy!" he nearly wailed. "Do you have any idea what it was like waiting for him to come back only to see him all bloody like that?"

"I have some idea, yes," Hakkai said softly. Gojyo suppressed a flinch.

"Right, yeah . . . But I mean . . . I've seen that monk through so much worse, you know? Of course I've been worried every time, but this was so unexpected, and something in me just almost—I dunno—_cracked_. I nearly started ranting at him again, but I knew he would probably try beating the snot out of me if I tried to, so I . . ." He felt a slight blush on his cheeks. "Well, I did a certain thing again. Until he realized he had to stop the bleeding and all that."

"I see."

Gojyo leaned back in the chair and fixed his eyes on the ceiling. "This whole thing is fucking ridiculous. I don't understand any of it. It was fine when I could just jump from woman to woman; I wouldn't have to see their faces again. I didn't have to feel anything for them." He lowered his gaze to the wall in front of him. "But this is just too different, too twisted. And when I try to do anything about it, I'm constantly shoved away." He smirked. "Well, isn't it just the story of my life."

Hakkai was the one to sigh this time. "Don't go beating yourself up, Gojyo. I admit that it is very unfortunate for the object of your affections to be Sanzo, because the difficulty that comes with it could only be through the roof." He smiled. "But it's not impossible, is it? Like you said, he seems less angry than before. At least he's talking to you . . . and doing 'things' with you." He chuckled when Gojyo groaned in embarrassment. "I'd say just try your best to get through to him. Even our Sanzo isn't without emotion or desire. I think there's real progress showing."

"What are you, my therapist? Jeez!" Gojyo was frowning, but inside he really did feel grateful to have someone like Hakkai in his life. He had always needed someone to talk him through things, to show him the more logical approach to a problem. The other man seemed to pick up this feeling and his smile grew a little.

"Perhaps I am. But after all, I wouldn't like to see Sanzo any more troubled than he already is. Same goes for you. Our little 'family' doesn't need more drama than it already has."

"Pfft, what, we're a freakin' _family _now? What are you, the weird uncle?" He grinned at Hakkai and suddenly felt a lot better about . . . well, everything. The fact that Sanzo had kissed him not once, but _twice _made his heart soar, and the thought of what could have happened had the monk not had injuries to care of made him wonder if there really was a chance between them. Thinking back on the first time they had met, and the golden glow that seemed to surround Sanzo as he chanted the sutra for Hakkai's loss, made his grin even wider. He did know that there was sympathy and caring deep down in the monk's heart . . . Deep, deep down, _some_where . . . But he was all up for getting those emotions to the surface. He would _show _Sanzo just how much he meant to him, just as he promised. What it meant to be drawn in by that warm, golden light.

Even if that meant dodging a few bullets in the process.

* * *

A/N: Look Gojyo, you're making progress! Perhaps it's not such a hopeless thing after all ;) But we'll just have to see what happens, now won't we?

By the way, as far as their "family" status goes, I totally see Sanzo being the mother sometimes XD Is that just me? (Hakkai could also be the mother I suppose, but Sanzo is just more . . . hilarious in that role)


	6. I will surely break

A/N: Okaaaaay sooooo yeah it's been a while since I updated. XD Sorry about that. I know, I know, I have all the chapters and everything, but I still like to self beta them before I put 'em up and I've been rather distracted lately. But enough of that--on with the chapter! (actually I'm rather proud of this one...)

Disclaimer: Don't own Saiyuki or the characters.

Warning: Yaoi! (but no lemon...yet)

* * *

_Chapter Six_

"Are you feeling better, Sanzo?"

"Nn."

"Are you sure you don't want me to take care of just a few of those? I'm sure they must be hurting."

"I said I was fine."

"But you could risk infection. And I don't want you to be complaining about them later and getting grouchy just because—"

"For the love of—! If I say yes, will you leave me the fuck alone?"

"Yes, I would."

"Then fine."

Gojyo watched the little war between Hakkai and Sanzo with a wide smile, enjoying the show and the fact that he wasn't the one to be the victim of Sanzo's moodiness for once. Sanzo was acting like his normal self, which was still irritable, but it was considerably less so than the past week since Gojyo thought he had messed up big time with the monk. He thought less that it had been some drunken mistake and now thought that it was only the first small crack that appeared before the dam eventually broke.

Hakkai's hands became enveloped in that familiar greenish gold glow as he treated Sanzo's multiple grazes, the blond merely sitting there with a look on his face that Gojyo could only describe as "pouting." Well, this was best for him, after all. He simply couldn't help but laugh quietly at the sight. That immediately got Sanzo's attention zeroed in on him, the same violet irises always making his breath stop.

"And _what _is so damn funny, cockroach?" Gojyo was happy that they had gone back to treating each other as they normally would have, but he knew that he wanted more, and he would _get _more, with time and careful planning. Sanzo acted as if their heated little sessions had never taken place, but the red-head noted that Sanzo would look at him a little longer than was necessary, would turn a little pink if he saw that Gojyo noticed. It made his heart speed up and his smile broaden.

"Nothing, Your Highness. I'm simply an observer."

Goku was also watching with a smile. Because his Sanzo was finally acting as if nothing was wrong, the monkey brain must have come to the conclusion that nothing _was _wrong, or different. He thanked his lucky stars that Goku was oblivious to some things.

"Well, I took care of the worst of them," Hakkai stated as he stepped back. "That youkai must have been rather persistent, ne?"

Sanzo grunted and got up from his chair, taking one last sip of his green tea before putting the cup on the table that was laden with the sorry remainders of their breakfast. This was everyone's cue to get up and get going, no words needed to convey that they were to be off within the next five minutes, ever on the path west to some unknown fate.

This was how it was for the next few days: normal. Gojyo actually enjoyed it. He stared at Sanzo's beautiful golden hair flying behind him while they rode in Jeep, occasionally catching his eyes in the rearview mirror and giving him a wink or a grin. Sanzo would frown at this and direct his gaze elsewhere, but Gojyo caught the monk blushing more than once, which he knew he would never get tired of.

His mind was finally on vacation from those ever-reeling feelings of doubt and stress, almost close to complete and utter peace with himself, at least for the time being. So maybe Sanzo didn't quite hate him after all. There had to be _something _there if the man had returned his kisses, had made those agreeing noises as Gojyo tried to show him just how much he . . .

How much he what? He couldn't say 'adored', because that would be adding too much to the monk's ego, and he couldn't say 'liked', because that just sounded corny and prepubescent. Well, even if Gojyo didn't have a name for these raging feelings yet, he could honestly say that he was making some sort of progress.

He hadn't tried anything since after Sanzo had come back in with all those scrapes, but he knew how to play this game, as he was a pro. When they fought youkai he would make sure to be closest to Sanzo, ever ready to show that he had his back no matter what while also demonstrating just how capable he was. When he passed by he made sure to brush against the blond in some form of contact that would make the monk wonder if it was on accident or not, although knowing Sanzo he would probably guess that it was the "stupid kappa" playing games with him. Even so, he didn't say anything about it, so Gojyo continued, all the more inspired. At meals if he was passing something to Sanzo he would be sure to have their fingertips touch, and one time Gojyo grinned himself silly when Sanzo nearly dropped the plate he was being handed, receiving a sly look from Hakkai and a reprimand from the saru about not wasting any of his precious food. Of course, that had been settled with a quick swipe of the harisen, connecting with not only Goku but Gojyo too, for reasons only he and Sanzo knew. Well . . . he supposed Hakkai knew now, too. But he would only watch with that smile, never saying anything about it. Strange uncle, indeed.

But even Gojyo had his limits. A week had flown by in this fashion when he felt the sharp pangs again, that irrational voice in his head telling him that he wanted more than brief contacts with Sanzo, more than those secretive little glances and furtive smiles. He knew he shouldn't move fast, so he managed to put a rein on his desires for the time being, ever alert to the moment when he could make another opening. And in the second week of this flirtatious period he was creating, he finally found it.

They were all out shopping for provisions, Sanzo having been dragged along just to shut Hakkai up about getting some fresh air after all the smoking he had been doing that day inside the inn's room. Gojyo really didn't see the point of it, but he supposed it might have been a simple excuse to have them all together for some "family" time. He still couldn't get that word out of his head and it made him smile crookedly whenever he thought of it. Honestly, didn't they all spend enough time together as it was? He couldn't complain, though, when Goku dragged Hakkai into a shop that held all sorts of food, since Sanzo usually gave Hakkai the gold card for this sort of thing. That meant that he was all alone with Sanzo out in the darkened street, lit only by the few streetlights that stood along it, hardly another person in sight.

Gojyo knew he had to seize the chance when he could, so he looked over to Sanzo and gave him a little smile that he knew must have shown some of his longing because the blond narrowed his eyes at him and barked out a "What?" that held a little more venom in it than usual.

Without further to do the red-head took hold of him and dragged him into the small alley between the shop and the building next to it, pushing Sanzo up against the wall and fastening his lips to the monk's blissful ones. His heart felt like it could have exploded right then, this feeling so encompassing that he thought he could die happily from it. Sanzo was stiff for a moment before he eventually softened under his touches, receiving the kiss with some feeling that seemed to say, "Well, if you must."

They stayed in their lip-lock for a few minutes, Gojyo running his hands across the parts of Sanzo he had longed to touch since he last had, carefully keeping away from groping anything too sensitive—he wanted to go slow, wanting to build up to something that he knew Sanzo would come to accept if he played this out just right. However, when he used a hand to grab the monk's rear to pull him closer, Sanzo made an indignant noise and pushed him back hard, wiping away the saliva on his lips and stalking out of the alleyway. Gojyo chuckled to himself and followed, feeling sated for the time being and already plotting his next advancement.

"You feelin' okay, Sanzo?" Goku asked when he and Hakkai emerged from the store. "Your face is all red."

"Peachy," Sanzo growled, carefully not looking at anyone. Gojyo hid his smile, not wanting to feel the wrath of the harisen once again.

* * *

Another opportunity appeared before him just a couple of days later, while they were getting situated in yet another inn. They had two rooms this time, which automatically meant that Goku would be rooming with Sanzo and he with Hakkai. It was how it usually was, so Gojyo logically didn't see a reason why the others thought it should change, although he did wish that Hakkai would switch it up for him; the man _did _know, after all. But he simply could not approach his friend and admit that he wanted a room with Sanzo—that was crossing some sort of line, in his mind. It would be mortifying.

Besides, Sanzo would probably vehemently stomp such an idea down to the ground and shoot it once or twice just to prove a point.

But that didn't mean that Gojyo could stop playing his little game. And he did love it so, especially when he ended up with all the spoils. His opportunity presented itself when he left his and Hakkai's room that evening to go out to buy some cigarettes. He was going to stop by Sanzo and Goku's room to ask the monk if he needed more smokes as well—just to prove that he could be nice too—but found the blond already in the hallway, apparently intending to go out as well, probably for the same reason.

"No sweat, Cherry-Chan, I'll pick you up a pack of that nasty brand you like so much," he offered, trying to get a rise out of the monk as usual. It only semi-worked; violet irises heated, but his face overall remained passive, even wary. Gojyo did love to see those eyes so intent and focused on no one but him. Despite how cold and distant Sanzo liked to pretend he was, his eyes nearly always gave him away.

"Do whatever you like," the other said to him before turning back to head to his room, which was Sanzo-talk for "Thanks, now go away."

"Reeaaally. Whatever I like, huh?" He was immediately in front of Sanzo, backing him up into the wall. This would never get old. "I think I'll do that," he whispered into Sanzo's ear, feeling him shudder against him. He brought his thigh up between the blonde's, applying enough pressure to be rewarded with a sharp gasp that instantly made him hard. He growled and started to suckle on Sanzo's neck, the latter panting at the sudden onslaught of sensations and throwing his head back to allow Gojyo more room to move his mouth around on the smooth, pale skin.

"You really are a tease," Gojyo murmured between his kisses to Sanzo's throat. "But you can't deny that you like it."

"Fucking . . . kappa," Sanzo breathed, attempting to climb down from his sudden high.

"That I am," Gojyo agreed before nibbling on the monk's jaw. Sanzo made a strange noise between dissatisfaction and encouragement, making the red-head laugh a little. That brought Sanzo even more to his senses and he beat hard on Gojyo's chest, growling to get off of him. Gojyo applied just a little more pressure with his thigh and Sanzo shuddered again, closing his eyes tight. And then he was off of him, heading down the hall while trying to overcome the rising problem in his jeans, listening to Sanzo's string of loud curses with a smirk.

"The next time you do something like that I'll blast it off," the monk threatened with a shaky voice. Gojyo simply a raised a hand without turning to look back, no matter how badly he wanted to see the expression on Sanzo's face. He knew that no matter how many threats he made, Sanzo really was enjoying everything that Gojyo was doing to him. Well, he probably didn't appreciate the cat-and-mouse game as much as the red-head did, but still . . . Sanzo was more than likely a virgin, unfamiliar with all of these feelings and therefore oversensitive.

_But, _he thought as he perused the shelves in the nearest shop for Sanzo's particular brand, _he could only be letting me do some of this stuff because he likes how it feels. The likelihood of him actually feeling anything for me is pretty much zero. _

He had never even thought about that until just then, and it completely shattered his good mood. _That's right, _he continued as he bought the cigarettes. _He doesn't get close to people. Or at least, he tells himself that. If he doesn't even do it for the monkey, then I have no chance in hell. It's possible he only wants the physical aspect of it. _He stopped in the middle of his walk back to the inn, sighing. _Why didn't I realize that sooner? I'm a fucking idiot. _

But if he somehow managed to get his feelings through to Sanzo, who knew what would happen? Well . . . he had already tried that once, hadn't he, and he still wasn't sure how that had turned out. He fished out a stick and lit up, leaning against some nearby building and remembering when he had been trying to explain to Sanzo that he wanted to change that whole issue about getting close to people. Their eyes had been locked, so many emotions running through Sanzo's, and then the other man had said that one word.

"Why?"

_Why_? Gojyo echoed in his head. _Because I want to, damn it. Simple as that. _Only he knew that it wasn't quite so simple. But that word that had somehow escaped from Sanzo had been spoken in such a raw emotion that it had shocked him a little. As if he was actually letting his guard down a bit. He knew that Sanzo was not indestructible, no matter how much he tried to act like he was, and that word alone proved it to him that there was something else inside that crabby monk of his other than bitterness and tentative insanity. It was as if one side of him told him to never like people again, cleverly disguising his affection with stupid reasoning or some shit like that, while the other struggled against it and kept getting beat down.

_But I _can _change that, _he thought forcefully. _I _can _prove to him I want something that's not just physical. I can make him feel something. _He took a last drag and flicked the butt into the street, regaining some his confidence. _I can warm that ice queen up, no problem. _

* * *

"Food poisoning?" Gojyo could hardly believe his ears. Hakkai nodded solemnly, looking over to the figure of Goku on the bed.

"I didn't think it could happen, to be honest," the green-eyed man said with some incredulity. "Fortunately he was the only one to eat whatever of our dinner did it, and none of us have it as well. I guess there's nothing for it but to stay here until it lets up. Knowing Goku, he should be on his feet again pretty soon, especially if I help—"

"I don't want you spending your energy left and right like that, Hakkai," he intervened with furrowed brows. "You need rest, too. The saru will be all right, like you said, so just give him some medicine and he'll be up in no time." He stole a look at Sanzo, who was by Goku's bed, speaking with him quietly. He smiled despite himself but then turned to Hakkai with wide eyes. "So . . . then you're gonna be rooming with him, then? And I . . ."

"Will be with Sanzo, yes," Hakkai said slowly, understanding the situation. "It'll only be for tonight, I promise. I'm sorry to put you in this position, but I'm afraid it cannot be avoided."

Gojyo continued to stare at Hakkai as if the world had gone mad. Okay, so he was actually kind of excited at this turn of events, but he was also fucking terrified. He had made a vow to himself to do whatever possible to warm Sanzo up to him, but all the same, it was still a very slim chance. He turned his eyes to Sanzo again, who was patting his charge on the head as he was prone to do sometimes—his own little show of affection that Gojyo secretly envied—before moving to where he and Hakkai stood.

"So you're rooming with the saru?" he asked Hakkai. The other man nodded with a small smile. "Fine." Then he turned one of his patented glares on Gojyo before walking out of the room, leaving Gojyo to groan as if all hope had completely vanished. Hakkai could only pat his shoulder encouragingly before turning to tend to Goku.

_Stupid monkey getting sick like that, _he thought as he slowly made his way to the room he would be sharing with the very object of his desires. A week ago he would have given anything to have this happen, but ever since his little realization about Sanzo only wanting something physical, some of his self-confidence had flown out the window, possibly to never return. He missed it more than ever when he opened the door to await his doom.

Sanzo had shed his robe and was only in his tight jeans and even tighter black top, which made most of the blood pounding in Gojyo's head travel to lower places. He was smoking by the window, looking out at nothing in particular and not even glancing at the red-head as he came in and shut the door.

Gojyo stood there and fidgeted for a moment, not sure what to say, but when it became apparent that the blond wasn't going to say anything either, he let out a breath and sat down on the bed he assumed to be his, feeling his heart keep up that fast pace. He took off his shoes, in need of something to do, and noticed fondly that Sanzo was barefoot as well. A few minutes of quiet stretched on and on for what felt like days before it was broken by the only other being in the room.

"So you're not going to try to do anything with me?" he asked in a completely neutral tone that Gojyo didn't know how to react to.

Putting on a false air of confidence, he said in his most seductive voice, "You really want me that badly, do you, blondie? Because that can be arranged." _I'm an idiot. I'm just playing into his hands._

Sanzo moved to the ashtray on the side table between the two beds and fixed Gojyo with his usual cold stare. "What, you're not interested anymore? You've found another toy to play with?"

Gojyo's eyes widened in surprise. "Wh-What? How could you . . ." _How could you even assume that? _he wanted to ask, but he couldn't get all the words out. _I only want _you.

"Tch. I don't understand perverts." He made as if to walk away, but Gojyo grabbed his wrist, making their eyes meet again.

"Sanzo, I . . . No. I already told you what I'm feeling. I don't know why you keep playing ignorant on me about it."

Purple eyes narrowed. "Let go of me."

"No." Emboldened, Gojyo stood up, gaining the advantage of height, being a few inches taller than the monk. "I know you know what I was trying to say that day, and I know you have the ability to feel the same way, too. But your stupid whatever-the-hell-it-is that keeps you at a distance won't let you."

"How dare you fucking assume that—"

"Well, how about _you _assuming that I'd go running off to some slut when I've already told you how I feel! I haven't slept with anyone since this whole thing began, you know." He took a deep breath. "I don't _want _to go running off because the only one I want is _you_."

There. He had said it. And the result was priceless: Sanzo's eyes widened, his face slackened, and he began to turn a lovely shade of red. Gojyo stared at him for some time until he realized that Sanzo was trembling in his grasp. That same flicker of emotion entered his eyes: fear and confusion.

Gojyo put a hand to the side of Sanzo's face, running his thumb along his cheek in what he hoped was a comforting way. He tried to ignore Sanzo's slight flinch at the contact. "That's what I've been trying to tell you, you dumb monk," he admonished, but his voice was soft, using the name affectionately. "But you wouldn't listen. Do you know how badly I've fallen for you?"

Sanzo shook his head, trying to free himself from Gojyo. "I'm not going to fall for it, erogappa. It may work on your women, but—" He was silenced when Gojyo pressed lips to his, giving him a kiss unlike any of the other ones he had distributed to the monk. He tried to put every emotion he felt into it, tried to make it somehow connect with Sanzo in some way. The smaller male stood still, letting Gojyo put forth all of his desire in his kiss, accepting it silently. When he stepped back, Sanzo was not looking at him, his bangs hiding his eyes. Gojyo merely listened to him breathing, the shaky inhalations rattling the slight frame before him. He tried not to say anything, waiting for Sanzo to speak first, to give him some sort of answer. Eventually he did.

"You're an idiot," the monk said quietly. "I have nothing to waste on the likes of you."

Gojyo stared at him for a long time until the statement actually clicked in his head. Of course: he was right about everything, after all. No one could bother wasting their emotions on such a lowly half-breed.

Without quite knowing why, he brought both hands up to hold Sanzo's head between them, forcing his hard gaze up. They simply stared at one another until Gojyo let out a strained breath, trying not to think in that moment and just letting himself drift into a sea of the unknown.

"Okay. You can't feel anything for me, got it. But . . . I still want you to know what I tried to give you. Let me show you." He leaned forward and put another slow, sweet kiss on Sanzo's lips, already feeling lost. "Let me show you just once. Please."

* * *

A/N: Read and review...?


	7. It's only love

A/N: To everyone who's reviewed so far--thank you all for your lovely words of encouragement on Gojyo's behalf XD The Gojyo that dwells within my mind is very happy that you all support him in his endeavour. And I am very happy that you guys like it; the reviews definitely lift my spirits :D But anyway. On with the story!!

Disclaimer: Own Saiyuki I do not. Talk like Yoda I like to do.

Warning: YAOI YAOI YAOI!! Don't like it? Don't read it. Not that hard, people. For the rest of you: enjoy ;)

* * *

_Chapter Seven_

"Another night spent with your most obvious weakness,

You start shaking at the thought;

But you are everything I want,

'Cause you are everything I'm not."

- _Make Damn Sure_ by Taking Back Sunday

He couldn't quite discern the look on Sanzo's face, but then, he supposed, he didn't really need to. He kissed the man again and uttered another "Please" against his mouth, feeling trapped for some reason, like he could not escape from this. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't turn around and walk out the door, couldn't fathom the idea of forgetting about all of this and finding some woman to bury his troubles into, the same unfeeling cycle repeating over and over until he lost the will to do even that.

Sanzo had closed his eyes. Gojyo figured that he was struggling with himself, fighting the internal war that the redhead could only guess at. All he could do was stand there and wait for something—anything—to signify his undoing.

Then he felt Sanzo's arms slowly, hesitatingly, moving up to lock around his neck, his head bowing into the slightest of nods. Gojyo felt his heart speed up and heard the blood pounding in his ears, knowing that this was what he wanted, but not under these conditions.

_I suppose I just have to take what I can get, _he thought as he placed his hands on Sanzo's hips, kissing him deeply and with as much passion as he could, wanting the monk to get the most out of this. _Even if it is like this. Then I guess I can just leave him alone, since that's obviously what he wants._

Gojyo had no more room for thought when he rolled his hips into Sanzo's, the other male moaning at the contact. Carefully he slipped the black garment over Sanzo's head and let it fall to the floor, finally running his hands along the bare skin that felt like fire against his, kissing and licking at Sanzo's collarbone and travelling down to one nipple. He put it in his mouth and sucked, causing the monk in his arms to gasp and tangle a hand in his long, crimson hair. Gojyo decided that he really loved the feeling and drew the nipple in his mouth again to feel Sanzo's hand tighten its hold on his locks. With a small smile he kissed back up to his neck, biting at the junction of his neck and shoulder and running his tongue along the spot behind his ear. Sanzo was shaking against him, about ready to fall apart, so Gojyo figured that they should move to the bed before the monk managed to collapse to the floor.

Before doing that, however, some unwanted clothing needed to be discarded of. Sanzo's gloves were removed, Gojyo pausing now and then to kiss the inside of his elbows and wrists. He tugged his own jacket and shirt off, popping loose the button of his jeans. He grabbed Sanzo's hand and brought it between his legs, making the other's breath catch as well as his own. Gojyo maneuvered the fingers so that he held the zipper and made him pull it down, making Sanzo's breathing quicken despite himself.

"Very good," Gojyo murmured, shucking off his jeans without further to do and moving onto Sanzo's. The monk made a slightly panicked noise when he undid the button, his hands gripping Gojyo's arms in a tight hold. Gojyo kissed him on the mouth as gently as he could, trying to assure him without words that it was all right, that he could trust him. Sanzo let him unzip his fly and hook his fingers under the waistband, bringing them down little by little. Sanzo breathed hard and fast against his neck as Gojyo continued to undress him, continuing to give him little kisses against his neck and shoulder as he did. When they both stood there in nothing but very tan and very pale skin, Gojyo guided Sanzo to the nearest bed and gently pushed him down on top of it.

The sight he was greeted with very nearly stole all the breath from his lungs. Never in his life would he have imagined standing over a completely naked Sanzo, who looked up at him from the bed where he lay as if daring him to say something idiotic now. His cheeks were flushed and there was a strange fragility in the blond that Gojyo had never seen before. Slightly disheveled blond hair fell into his darkened violet eyes.

"Fuck, you really are beautiful," he managed to say when he was aware of himself again. He didn't think it possible for Sanzo to turn any redder, but he was proven wrong. He climbed on top of the smaller male and fused their mouths together again, letting his tongue slip past Sanzo's slightly parted lips and shivering at the sensation. This taste that was so uniquely Sanzo was something he could never get enough of, no matter how hard he tried. It would be like trying to kick a habit that he was simply too fixated on. Sanzo was worse than booze or smokes.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" the monk asked breathlessly when they parted for air. Although he was all uncertainty, he still managed to keep that haughty tone in his voice. Gojyo chuckled and kissed down his chest, down his stomach, and bit and licked at his hipbones. Sanzo was near to panting now, watching Gojyo with lidded eyes that still showed doubt. With a little smirk up at him, Gojyo bent down and ran his tongue along Sanzo's length, making the other man moan loudly and throw his head back, completely caught off guard. The redhead continued in this fashion, kissing and licking along Sanzo's growing erection, drawing out sounds from the blond that were helping him become hard as a fucking rock. One of the monk's hands found his hair again, and he himself moaned, pressing his tongue against the sensitive spot underneath the head of Sanzo's sex. Sanzo gasped and jerked his hips up.

Gojyo put only the head in his mouth and sucked, Sanzo practically _mewling _from it. Gojyo had to reach down and stroke his own erection before it became too unbearable. He loved everything that came from Sanzo's mouth, wanting to capture it again and claim him, so he abandoned Sanzo's cock to do just that. Sanzo kept his hand twined in Gojyo's hair as he kissed him, the other splayed on the redhead's broad back. Gojyo ran a hand along Sanzo's inner thigh, feeling the flesh quiver underneath him and wanting to explore every inch on that body while he still could. He used his lips to travel up and down Sanzo's wonderfully sculptured body, occasionally letting his fingers brush against the more sensitive areas he found. He even kissed down to the monk's toes, causing him to be the victim of another sharp glare, Sanzo clearly not understanding his fascination.

"What the . . . hell are you doing, kappa?" Sanzo demanded between breaths. Gojyo kissed his thigh one last time before returning to his mouth, playing a little there and then leaning back to give him a grin.

"Enjoying you while I can, Sanzo-sama," he said truthfully. His fingers stroked at Sanzo's length again, the man beneath him shifting around at the feeling, his eyes heavily lidded. Gojyo then brought his fingers up to Sanzo's mouth; the latter looked a little confused at first, but when the redhead pressed one digit against his bottom lip, he parted them and let the finger inside his mouth, enveloping it with a wet, warm heat that Gojyo groaned throatily at. Sanzo looked a little startled at the sound, but he didn't look displeased. Gojyo added another finger, the sight below him almost making him come right then and there. He mustered up all his willpower not to, though, telling himself that he was going to make this nothing short of amazing for Sanzo's first time—because he was pretty damn sure that this was the monk's first encounter with sex, worldly though he was.

When he removed his fingers from Sanzo's mouth a small trail of saliva ran down the side of his lips, which Gojyo licked away, feeling Sanzo shiver. He brought his now slippery fingers down to Sanzo's entrance, a little nervous at what the monk's reaction would be and not sure if he should even continue. But those violet eyes were staring so attentively at him, waiting, that he moved his mouth to Sanzo's ear and told him quietly that it might hurt a bit but that it would be worth it in the end. The blond swallowed but nodded nonetheless, prompting the redhead to get on with it.

Gojyo let one finger slip in, watching Sanzo's face twist up a little at the discomfort of it. He kissed and suckled at his neck to try and distract him from it, but when he added a second finger and began preparing him, Sanzo let a little grunt of pain escape him, his fingers digging into the flesh of Gojyo's back. Gojyo went slowly, even though his neglected member was nearly making him lose all rational thought, telling him to simply fuck Sanzo into the mattress. He grabbed one of Sanzo's hands and, like with the zipper, guided it to his erection, making him stroke his length with his gun-callused hand. Gojyo groaned at the feeling on Sanzo touching him, the other male breathless at everything being done to him.

When he thought that Sanzo was ready, he spit discreetly into his hand and rubbed it on his erection, knowing that it wasn't the best thing to do but not having anything else to use at the moment. Besides, he wouldn't dare leave Sanzo on the bed to get up for a second, afraid that the monk would have second thoughts and bolt before he could come back. Or worse, grab the gun.

He positioned himself, staring at Sanzo as if asking permission. The blond met his eyes for a moment and then croaked, "Just do it, baka."

Gojyo grinned at that and started to slide himself inside of Sanzo for the first time, the smaller male wincing at the movements. Gojyo kissed at his nipples, at his throat, along his jawline, trying to make it better for him. He whispered that it would only hurt for a little while, Sanzo merely grunting. When he was buried up to the hilt inside his small monk, Gojyo refrained from rocking back and pounding himself into Sanzo, though it took all his willpower not to. Sanzo's breathing was scattered, his eyes closed tightly, still in some pain. He was shaking, and some small, uneasy noises that probably had nothing to do with the new sensation escaped him, though he was more than likely unaware that he was making them. Gojyo leaned down and kissed both closed eyelids, bringing a hand up to slide against the side of his face and run through that beautiful golden hair; he never thought he would be able to do this. Sanzo relaxed at his touches, his fingers not digging so harshly into his back, his brow less furrowed than it was before. A sigh came from his parted lips and Gojyo took this as his cue.

Taking a deep breath, he slowly slid back out of Sanzo, gritting his teeth at the tightness that clamped down on him, Sanzo suppressing what sounded like a whimper. When he was mostly out, he slammed back in, making both he and Sanzo cry out. He did it again and groaned long and loud, thinking that this was the best sensation he could ever be subjected to on this earth. On his third time, Sanzo cried out again and arched his back, head thrown back in a perfect picture of erotic beauty. Gojyo knew that he had hit something and grabbed Sanzo's hips so that he could angle himself to hit it again, which he did with precision that made Sanzo moan and writhe beneath him. Gojyo had to shut his eyes after a few seconds of watching such a breathtaking sight because he knew he would surely let loose just seeing Sanzo in such rapture. Their voices mingled together with their rocking motions, Sanzo's arms wrapping around him and pushing his hips up to meet his thrusts with a wild abandon that Gojyo welcomed fervently. He reached between them and grabbed Sanzo's throbbing erection, pumping in time to their movements.

He opened his eyes again and took in Sanzo, gazing up at him with such a gorgeous look on his face that Gojyo could only describe as his most lustful dream. Violet eyes were turned nearly black from the deep arousal planted there and Gojyo could honestly say he had never seen anything so captivating. But the contact was broken when Sanzo moaned loudly and closed his eyes, his whole body trembling violently.

"Fuck!"

Gojyo knew that this was it. He thrust harder and squeezed Sanzo's cock, making the male beneath him nearly screamwith his release.

"Shit . . . Gojyo . . ."

Hearing his name being moaned by Sanzo triggered his own climax, and he clamped his mouth down on the blonde's, milking him dry as he kissed him. He came up for breath and muttered something, nearly collapsing on top of Sanzo but managing to slide his length out of him before falling to his side, wrapping his arms around the thin man to hold him close. Sanzo was too wrapped up in the afterglow that at first he didn't protest, which Gojyo took advantage of gratefully. He kissed the top of the monk's head before nuzzling his face into the wonderful, sweat-soaked hair, surrounded by Sanzo's scent. This was absolute bliss.

Until he was poked hard in the ribs by Sanzo's elbow.

"Ow, fuck—!"

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" the blond asked him heatedly, still a little breathless.

Gojyo grinned and pulled the lithe body back to him, using the edge of the sheet to wipe away the remainders of their play. "It's part of the rules, Sanzo-sama. You agreed to it, remember?"

Sanzo grumbled something that he couldn't make out, but he really didn't care. He finally had the beautiful monk in his arms, had claimed him as his own, and knew that no one else could possibly say the same. Even if it was just this one time, it had been everything he had hoped it to be.

"What did you say?"

The redhead was jerked out of his thoughts. "Huh?"

Sanzo turned his face to him, amethyst eyes boring into his crimson. "You said something, when . . ." He blushed a little. "Afterwards. What was it?"

Gojyo frowned, trying to remember. He replayed the recent scene in his mind, knowing that he would be recalling that image many times in the future, and then froze when he realized what it was that Sanzo hadn't been able to make out. And he thanked the Gods that had been the case.

_I love you._

His heart was suddenly pounding hard in his chest. Sanzo, able to tell that something had happened, frowned up at him. "What? What's wrong?"

Gojyo forced out a laugh. "Nothing, nothing. I just said, 'How was that for your first time?' So, how was it?"

Sanzo gave him a look as if he didn't quite believe it, but he snorted anyway. "Idiot. Who said it was my first time?"

"I'm a professional in these matters, and I can tell. You can't fool me, Cherry-Chan. Well . . . guess I can't call you that anymore, huh?" He pulled Sanzo against his chest and let his smile slip, knowing that he was in deep shit.

"Tch. Erogappa." Sanzo rested his head against Gojyo's neck, eyes fluttering. Gojyo kissed the top of his head again before Sanzo thankfully fell asleep, leaving him to worry about his newest predicament.

_Shit. I didn't know my feelings went _that _far for him. _Gojyo idly ran his fingers through the monk's hair, helplessness descending upon him. Sanzo gave an unconscious little hum of contentment at the contact. _And he'll never feel the same. Good job on this one, Gojyo. Really spectacular. _He looked down at the sleeping Sanzo, thinking it was the best image anyone could come up with. Not even the best painters or drawers could capture Sanzo's magnificence. Gojyo thought, with some sadness, that this was all that he was living for, now.

He couldn't sleep all night.


	8. This could be the very minute

A/N: Zomg, it's been a while Oo Sorry about that. I just got back to school so I've been amazingly busy. Anyway, thanks again to all who reviewed, (it makes me a happy person!), and hope you like the second to last chapter. (omg!)

Disclaimer: How many times do I have to say it?? I don't own it!

Warning: Slight yaoi and swearing, but what's new?

* * *

_Chapter Eight_

"You're the only thing that I love  
It scares me more every day  
On my knees I'll think clearer.

Goodness knows I saw it coming,  
Or at least I'll claim I did  
But in truth I'm lost for words.

What have I done? It's too late for that  
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet  
A simple mistake starts the hardest time  
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time."

- _Chocolate _by Snow Patrol

Sanzo awoke the next morning quite alone. He frowned in his drowsiness and felt the spot where Gojyo had been lying when he had fallen asleep, but it was cold. Wondering where the kappa could have run off to—not that it bothered him or anything, he was just expecting to have his face shoved into the monk's when he woke up—he sat up to look around the room, stopping immediately when a sharp pain ran through him.

"Shit, shit, _shit_," he growled from between gritted teeth, mentally cursing the idiot who had put him in this position and slowly trying to turn around, adjusting to the soreness in his lower back. Gojyo was nowhere in the room, and the other bed did not look slept in at all. Sanzo frowned and resigned himself to get up, plotting the kappa's murder with every move he made. Gojyo hadn't told him about _this _part of . . . of . . . well, whatever the hell it had been. Sanzo paused in the middle of putting his clothes back on and wondered at that, images of last night coming back to him in a rush. He felt his face heat up and put his clothes on with more force, wondering why he had consented in the first place. He said it before: he didn't have anything to waste on the damn water sprite, so he should just stop trying. But Gojyo, persistent as he was, couldn't stop tormenting Sanzo, it seemed.

No matter how good those new physical sensations had been, presenting a new sort of release that he didn't think possible, he couldn't help but remember that at one point he had been thirteen again, had been _there _again. He had had that sick, anxious feeling in his stomach as those men leered down at him, grabbing him and trying to force him into something he had barely any knowledge of. But he had put an end to it with his gun—the first time he had to use it—leaving his body in tact while his mentality crumbled. Gojyo, however, had sensed his alarm, had tuned into his new vulnerability, and had soothed him. _Soothed _him! Just that simple touch on his face, on his hair, and he was back in the kappa's arms, drowning in unexpected bliss. And Gojyo had been happy for it. He had gotten what he wanted, in the end.

And since he _had_ gotten what he wanted—a romp between the sheets with the seemingly unattainable monk—he had left, probably out to find his next victim. He felt sorry for them, whoever they were.

But that thought made his mouth taste sour. He dismissed it as the taste Gojyo had left there and went to brush his teeth before taking a quick shower, wondering what time it was. He was usually the first one up among the group—except for Hakkai sometimes—so he figured that everyone else was still asleep. Save for Gojyo, who was probably in the arms of some whore at this moment.

When he entered the inn's main room, however, he was thoroughly surprised to see all three of the youkai who travelled with him assembled at a table in a corner, apparently waiting for their breakfast to show up. He joined them warily, throwing Gojyo a silent question. But the damned kappa wouldn't meet his eyes for some reason, and that managed to piss him off all the more.

"Oh, you're finally up," Hakkai said when he noticed Sanzo standing there. "We were waiting for you, but I'm afraid Goku just couldn't wait any longer for breakfast. I ordered some tea and rice for you."

Sanzo mumbled a thanks and turned to the saru. "You're better already? I thought food poisoning took a while to get over."

Hakkai laughed a little. "It appears out Goku has quite the constitution. I also gave him some medicine that helped it along."

"Yup, all better and _starving_!" Goku exclaimed, looking up at Sanzo with his usual wide-eyed expression. "Aren't you gonna sit down, Sanzo?"

"Ah—yeah." Sanzo pulled the chair out and sat down carefully, trying not to wince in front of everyone. He thought he could feel crimson eyes on him and looked up sharply only to find Gojyo jerking his head away, tapping his fingernails idly on the wooden surface of the table. Sanzo scowled at him and was about to direct some sort of insult his way when their food appeared, Goku crowing his delight at the different dishes and digging in greedily. Sanzo shook his head at his lack of manners but decided not to thwack him with the harisen in case the monkey started choking. He picked at his own bowl of rice and glanced up again, Gojyo only looking down at his food and moving it around his plate. Hakkai turned to him and asked why he wasn't eating, but Gojyo gave him a quick smile and popped some food into his mouth, chewing slowly.

Hakkai looked from him to Sanzo, then back to his friend with a considering look. Sanzo didn't like it at all and directed his gaze elsewhere, trying to get annoying thoughts of a certain redheaded kappa out of his head. Why was he acting this way, all of a sudden? It was just like the time after Gojyo had touched his hair after coming back drunk to the inn. He had thought the man would be grinning and flirting like an idiot, acting all proud of his latest accomplishment or something. Because he was only Gojyo's prize, wasn't he? Some untouched treasure that the kappa had wanted to lay his hands on before anyone else. But that's all there was to it; it was something that would only happen once, and it was past. Sanzo decided just to keep it out of mind and returned to his meal, if it could even be described as such.

This was just all so stupid.

* * *

Days passed and still Gojyo refused to look him in the eyes. He would talk to him, but every word was directed to the air in front of him or to Sanzo's chest or forehead, never straight at him. Sanzo found this one of the most irritating things in the world and he didn't quite know why. He acted normally around Goku and Hakkai, even though the latter suspected that something was strange about his best friend; but even though they still flew insulting words at one another, there was something _off_.

Sanzo had had sex with the man. Sure, he could admit it, even though every time he recalled that night something would stir at those thoughts and he immediately had to squash them before anyone could notice. So it _had _been his first time, whatever . . . It certainly hadn't been Gojyo's, he knew that much. So then why was he acting like such a child? Was he embarrassed? Shy? Sanzo couldn't tell with these things, so he let Gojyo act this way, even though he couldn't stand it.

He considered confronting Gojyo about the whole thing, but he knew he wouldn't be able to handle it. He was so awkward when it came to these things anyway; it would be better just to let time take care of it. But a week passed, and then another, and still those infuriating crimson eyes would not meet his. Sanzo wanted to blow a bullet through the kappa's head and be done with it. He should have done that long ago, he realized.

He almost ordered Hakkai to go talk to him, but then that would have put certain issues to light that he really didn't want the other man knowing. He couldn't talk to Goku about it; that would make him fire a bullet into his _own _head. No, the saru could never know . . . But still, he couldn't help but feeling a little cast-off, not quite knowing what to think.

It aggravated him to no end that _Gojyo _inhabited his nearly every thought.

He woke up one night covered in sweat and having a half-formed _problem _between his legs, realizing that he had been dreaming about that night again. He swore and tried to ignore it, but everything was just too painful. His constant isolation, his confusion, and those words of Gojyo's still ringing in his head: _I think I wanna change that. _Idiot. The reason why he didn't get close to anyone was because it was too much of a hassle for him. He never wanted to relive that night when his master had lost his life, never wanted to feel that horrible, sinking feeling of loss and helplessness. It was too much.

And he certainly wouldn't let someone like Gojyo get the better of him.

* * *

Gojyo listened to the monkey's loud, reverberating snores and sighed. He knew he was pissing Sanzo off by not looking at him, but he couldn't help it. Ever since that night he felt constantly shrouded in some veil that cut him off from the others. He had felt pure joy at having Sanzo in his arms all night, but that emotion was coupled with loss, with rejection and desolation. It would be the only time he would be able to do this, the only time he could show Sanzo how much he loved him. That still startled him a little: that he could possibly love such a bitchy, bratty monk seemed like a joke, but he knew it was the truth. But Gojyo seemed to take in all of those flaws as well as the beauty, accepting him in that strange way that people who are so far in love are prone to do.

He could not meet his eyes because he was afraid of what would happen when Sanzo saw the emotion there. When he locked onto those droopy, violet eyes, he knew he was unable to hide his overwhelming desire to simply hold the blond man to him and never let go. And he also knew that it would scare the shit out of Sanzo if he saw it. They had only one night together, and that was it. Sanzo wasn't looking for anything intimate. He would refuse it in a heartbeat.

Rolling onto his side, he cast Goku an annoyed look that the sleeping boy could not see and let loose another long sigh. Hakkai was all worried again, too. He had exchanged a few words with him, but did not delve into anything too deep, still keeping his friend in the dark and feeling guilty because of it. But he could sense that Hakkai knew what had happened between him and Sanzo, which made him feel uncomfortable and awkward, but he supposed if the healer would not say anything out loud to him about it, then it would remain unspoken.

This was unbearable. Gojyo had never thought that he could feel such a burning desire for someone that it literally hurt him inside and out. He had to clamp his fingers down on his arm to prevent him from reaching out to stroke that shining hair, pressing hard enough to leave a multitude of bruises that Goku asked about when he tossed off his coat. The monkey was even beginning to sense that something was wrong again, flitting his eyes between Gojyo and Sanzo and trying to work it all out in his head.

Gojyo could feel burning amethyst on him sometimes, forcing himself not to look up and meet them. He wanted to respect Sanzo's wish and therefore stayed away, no matter how much it hurt him. He had tried to press his love on someone before, after all, and that had not turned out nicely at all.

He closed his eyes and replayed that night in his mind. There had been a moment between them when they had been close, when both their eyes had connected, unspoken emotions passing through them at the look and taking over their bodies. He wasn't sure if Sanzo had picked up on it, but Gojyo had never felt such a thing before in his life, and he never would again.

Finally losing his temper, Gojyo threw a pillow over at Goku, attempting to put a stop to his infernal snoring.

* * *

Sanzo grumbled under his breath as he fumbled through his robes, hoping he had an extra packet of cigarettes on him and coming up short. Letting out expletives left and right, he paused when he saw a blue and white carton being handed to him, the owner looking away with red hair hiding his face. Sanzo hesitated before taking out a Hi-Lite—no matter how much he hated Gojyo's brand, he needed _something_—and muttered a thanks to him before lighting up. Gojyo followed his example, the both of them standing a ways out from their camp for the night, Hakkai seeing to making some dinner while Goku ran about looking for more firewood.

"Awkward silence" was too light a term to describe the blanket of unease around the two of them. Sanzo glanced over at the kappa, noting his crimson eyes staring out blankly ahead of him, before focusing on the shitty cigarette in his fingers. He could feel himself start to tremble with suppressed rage.

"Why the fuck won't you look at me?" he finally managed to get out, tapping the white stick so that the ash fell to the ground.

Gojyo took his time answering. He took a deep drag and let the smoke stay in his lungs for a moment before exhaling. "I don't know what you mean."

Sanzo felt the last vestiges of his control slip away. "Fuck that, you know _exactly _what I mean, you half-breed bastard. So we fucked, big deal. That was what you wanted, wasn't it? To get what you wanted from me and then be on your whorish way?"

He saw the other man wince slightly, but not so much as a smirk of victory crossed his lips. He knew it was no victory.

"We 'fucked', huh?" Another slow drag. "Yeah, I suppose we did. And yeah, I guess that is what I wanted. But it's like you said, Sanzo-sama . . . you have nothing to waste on the likes of me. I'm not going to waste _my _time chasing you when you obviously could care less."

Sanzo could not think of anything to say for a good while. What the hell was _that _supposed to mean? That wasn't the response of someone who was just in it for the sex. Was it? Fuck, he didn't know anything. He didn't know this alien feeling that coiled around him and threatened to choke him.

"And why would you 'chase' me, erogappa?" he said softly, dangerously. "Decided that once wasn't enough?"

Gojyo laughed mirthlessly. "Something like that, I suppose."

He snapped. In a sudden fury that he could not describe, Sanzo grabbed the front of Gojyo's shirt and rammed him up against the nearest tree, his teeth bared.

"You fucker, just what the fuck do you _want _from me? I gave you everything you wanted, didn't I? You said you wanted to show me something, and you showed it to me. Both of us should be _over _this already!" His breathing was labored. "So why are you doing this?" _Why am I still thinking about it? _

For the first time in weeks, Gojyo lifted his eyes to meet his, and Sanzo very nearly gasped at the fire in them, although it was not out of anger. It was that _emotion _again, the same one he had in those ruby irises when they had looked at each other that night, the one that had taken over Sanzo's body and made him close his eyes to try and escape it. But now he could not look away; there was something screaming at him from that look, something trying to worm itself into him without touching him, and it scared him. It _scared _him.

"What the fuck are you playing at?" he asked shakily. Gojyo only continued to stare at him, letting his eyes answer for him instead of words. Sanzo pushed him back into the tree again. "Stop it! Fucking _stop it!_"

Gojyo finally lowered his gaze, a small smile that held no amusement spreading on his face. Without quite knowing why, Sanzo forcefully pressed them against his own, the kiss brutal and savage, Gojyo unmoving against him. There were teeth and gums and an aggressive tongue trying to claim anything it came in contact with. After a good minute of this treatment he broke away with a growl.

"That's all you want, isn't it? Isn't it?" His hands tightened in Gojyo's shirt. "Fucking answer me! _Gojyo_!"

But the red-head would still not answer him. Carefully he removed Sanzo's hands from his shirt, gently pushing the monk back so that he could walk back to the camp, his eyes hidden again. Sanzo could only stand there and glare at his retreating back, his shoulders shaking in a tirade of emotions that he would not have liked to explore in that moment. He stomped out the forgotten cigarette still smoldering on the ground and tried not to think that now his mouth tasted completely of Gojyo.

* * *

It was inevitable: when they rode in Jeep, it was a sure thing that youkai would find them and attack, and today was no exception. They all leapt out to let Jeep transform and get away from the battle so that he wouldn't get hurt, each of them getting out their weapons and ready for the fight.

Sanzo let two bullets fly, both hitting their mark and taking down a couple of the maddened youkai. He glimpsed a blast of Hakkai's chi out of the corner of his eye and saw Goku running past, jumping up into the air to deliver a fatal swing of his Nyoi-bo. Sanzo couldn't see Gojyo anywhere. He quickly turned, just to see where he had gone to, when he felt someone grab his right arm, twisting it around his back in a painful lock. His gun clattered uselessly to the ground and he tried to maneuver around to kick the youkai that held him, but the pointy-eared demon only laughed gruffly and called over to his friend nearby.

"I have a helpless little monk over here! What do you think we should do to 'im?"

The other youkai grinned and tightened his hold on a crude sword that was in his hands. "Bloody him up, I think!"

Sanzo swore but couldn't move without risk of breaking his arm. He started to chant, wondering if he could use the Makai Tenjou before the other youkai could get to him—but he was already too close—

A spray of blood flew in front of his eyes, and it took a minute to realize that it wasn't his. He blinked and saw scarlet red hair in front of him, a bloody hand holding his crescent-moon blade that had sliced through the other demon. Gojyo turned to him and, for the second time, met his eyes with a small, shaky smile. That was when Sanzo saw the gash in Gojyo's chest and his eyes widened when the other man fell to the ground, blood flowing freely.

With a strangled roar Sanzo somehow managed to shake himself from the youkai's slackened grip and punched him square in the nose, taking him down. He scrambled for his gun and shot him once, twice, three times until his entire round was fired off, but he still pulled the trigger, hoping he had miscounted and that there were more bullets to fill this sack of crap with.

"—zo! Sanzo!" Goku grabbed the gun from him and shook him a little. "Sanzo, calm down!"

He stared blankly at Goku for a moment before turning towards Gojyo, Hakkai kneeling over him with a pale face. A golden-green glow surrounded the redhead as Hakkai tried to close the wound, Goku asking him fearfully if Gojyo was going to be okay. Sanzo could only watch, could only breathe, could only wait until he had an answer. He was shaking violently, and before he knew it he was on his knees, Goku right there beside him, worrying like always. But the only thing Sanzo could see was an image of his master before him, blood flying in every direction, replaced with a head of crimson that matched the color seeping on the ground towards him.


	9. You've begun to feel like home

A/N: Ahh! Last chapter!! So, basically, I wanna thank all of you who have reviewed thus far--your words are always welcome :) I'm rather surprised at myself that I was able to write a story and not go "Eh...I'm bored with it" and then give up halfway through. Huzzah for me? Anyway, enjoy the last chapter! Review...?

Disclaimers: Not mine. Never will be mine. Sigh.

Warning: Yaoi!

* * *

_Chapter Nine_

"There now, steady love

So few come and don't go;

Will you, won't you,

be the one I'll always know?"

- _Look After You _by The Fray

It had been two days and still Gojyo did not wake up. Hakkai kept constant vigil over him, assuring the other two that even though the wound was not life-threatening once he had closed it, Gojyo had still lost a lot of blood and would probably be out for a few days. Goku was relieved to hear this and gained his usual appetite back as soon as they had found an inn to stay at until Gojyo was healed completely. Sanzo, however, was another story.

He hadn't eaten much except for the rice that Hakkai had practically shoved down the monk's throat, and other than that he had to empty his ashtray every few hours at the rate he was going through cigarettes. Goku had tried to cheer him up, but it had ended with Sanzo snapping at the poor boy and sending him off to Hakkai in near-tears. Even though Sanzo had been assured by their healer that Gojyo would, in fact, live, it still didn't ease the storm brewing inside of him.

Ever since he was thirteen he had been plagued by the image of his master being taken down by youkai, waking violently from nightmares and closing himself up in his depression whenever it rained. Because of this he had vowed to hold nothing, to never let someone get so close to him that their death would invoke these same horrors, but leave it up to the fucking kappa to ruin everything.

Sanzo couldn't believe it. The thought of Gojyo dying—hell, of any of them dying—was too much. He had had that proven to him when that idiot had shielded him from that blow, just like his master. Since then, even _thinking _about Hakkai or _Goku _in the same situation made him shudder and hole himself up inside his room, left to his dark thoughts and brooding on it all. He damned those idiots who travelled with him for treating him to this never-ending hell.

What made it worse was that those eyes kept haunting him. He felt as if he couldn't escape those blazing, crimson orbs that seemed to reach out and grasp something inside of him, holding it in a death grip. It felt like choking. It felt like drowning. It felt like burning.

They laid low in the inn. Sanzo changed out of his usual attire to don a more casual outfit consisting of his jeans and an overly-large, white button-down shirt, all of them agreeing that the last thing they needed was for someone to hear that a member of the Sanzo-ikkou was down and thinking it the perfect opportunity to strike. Hakkai had taken it upon himself to assure that they all got separate rooms, knowing that Sanzo did not want company and wanting to make sure that Gojyo was away from any unwanted noise or the like. Even so, the green-eyed man could always be found in Gojyo's room, ever ready in case something were to happen and making sure the last vestiges of the wound were properly taken care of.

On the third day, however, Sanzo somehow found himself in Gojyo's room, sitting in the chair Hakkai had been occupying next to the bed and simply staring at the man who had so completely unnerved him. The healer had asked Sanzo to look over him temporarily, since he had hardly gotten any sleep and Goku was out somewhere doing the shopping all by himself. Sanzo wondered vaguely if Goku could manage to do even that, but his first and foremost thoughts were on Gojyo, as they usually seemed to be as of late. The damn half-demon was just _lying _there, merely asleep, having been nearly on the verge of death until Hakkai had jumped in. He watched his chest rise and fall slowly, evenly, watched the scarred face that was oddly pale in contrast to his usual tan, watched and did nothing else.

He needed . . . well, he wasn't quite sure what he needed. Reassurance, he supposed. Hakkai and Goku had tried to give him just that, but neither of them was the one he wanted it from. Sanzo got up from the chair and locked the door, not caring so much anymore about matters of pride. He walked back to the bed and hesitated before moving the sheets back, crawling in next to Gojyo and finding a comfortable place at his side. He reached his left hand out to rest on the redhead's chest, feeling how cold his skin was against his.

He closed his eyes and stayed that way for a long time—he couldn't say just how long, but it must have been a couple of hours—until he heard a familiar voice above him.

"Why, Sanzo-sama, what a wonderful surprise," Gojyo murmured. Sanzo could feel the vibrations in his chest moving through his fingers, that feeling somehow giving him that strange comfort that he had craved. He closed his eyes and swore.

* * *

Gojyo heard the curse coming from the monk and grinned. His chest felt a little sore, but he could feel Sanzo's warm hand against it and it somehow made him forget about the dull pain, added to the wonderful scent that was specifically Sanzo. He rested his cheek against the soft golden hair beneath him, thankful that that youkai's blade hadn't been sharp enough to do him in as soon as he had been cut down. He had to thank Hakkai—because he was sure the healer had tended to him—when he saw him next.

But now all of his attention was on Sanzo curled up next to him, delicious heat radiating from his thin frame. It was like waking to a dream come true.

"Phew, I'll bet that was a close one," he said jokingly. "Man, why do I always have to watch your ass, huh? Not that I really mind." He took a deep breath. "Kinda feel sore, though. Oh well. I guess I should have expected you to come with these sorts of things. Like a deluxe package!" He laughed a little before he felt Sanzo's hand clench in his shirt, the monk shaking ever so slightly. _Shit, now I made him mad. Great move, Gojyo._

"I was just kidding, you know," he tried to assure him, but Sanzo did not look up at him. The blond was mumbling something that Gojyo could not hear clearly. "Sanzo?"

"Fuck you," Sanzo whispered, his shaking becoming worse. "Fuck you. _Fuck you_."

Panic started to bloom in Gojyo's chest. He shook the monk a little, trying to get him to calm down.

"Hey, hey, I didn't mean it—"

"FUCK YOU!" Sanzo was on top of him, and before he knew it his head flew to the side with the impact of the monk's hand, the expression on his face almost animalistic in its intensity. Gojyo vaguely wondered if Sanzo was going to slip back into the realm of madness he was sometimes prone to, wondering just how safe he was lying there, injured as he was.

"Fuck you! Fuck you! _FUCK YOU!" _Sanzo hit him with every oath, his voice rising the way it always did when he got angry. Gojyo let him be hit, thinking the pain was nothing, knowing Sanzo's full strength was not in them. Sanzo pulled his fist back to hit him again, and Gojyo waited, but nothing came. He looked up and saw Sanzo's head bowed, bangs hiding his eyes and fist still raised, still shaking.

"Fuck you . . ." His voice broke, and Gojyo was shocked to see a tear running slowly down the side of his face. "Fuck . . ." He let out a sound that was the barest of sobs, the slightest jerk of his shoulders, and Gojyo wrapped his arms around his monk and held him to his body, one hand cradling the back of his head as Sanzo fisted his own hands in Gojyo's shirt, letting out something that Gojyo knew needed to be released. Minutes dragged by as he rubbed Sanzo's back, running his fingers through his hair, giving him light kisses there. Eventually Sanzo calmed down enough and loosened the vice-like grip he had had on his shirt, still and silent in Gojyo's hold.

"Why . . ."

That word again. Gojyo sighed, a multitude of unasked questions revealed to him from that one word. _Why did you risk your life for me? Why did you ever kiss me? Why do you want me to feel? _Gojyo wondered which one to answer first.

"Silly monk. You should have known by now that I would die for you." Wrong words, apparently. Sanzo pushed off of him and gave him his best glare.

"Fucking _idiot_! You should live and die for _yourself_, not jump to heroics just because we spent one goddamn night together!"

Gojyo raised his hands and cupped Sanzo's face, his eyes red and puffy but still managing to look beautiful. "I love you."

That shut him up. Sanzo stared at him as if he was insane, his eyes fevered and wide. Gojyo brought his face down to his and kissed him, once again reminding himself to thank Hakkai for saving his life because he could do _this _again. Sanzo became limp against him in an oddly resigned way, making Gojyo draw back with a slight frown.

"I would die for you because I _love _you, baka. I'm sorry if it brought up painful memories. But you know, your master . . . he probably loved you enough to do that for you, just like I did. And that's something, isn't it?" Sanzo only looked at him in awe, trying to comprehend what exactly was going on. "I reached out and touched your hair that night because I love you. I kissed you because I love you. I made _love_ to you—" he kissed him again, slowly and carefully, "—because I love you like I've never loved anyone before. Fuck, I know that sounds corny, but it's the truth. So there you have it . . . cards are on the table. What're you gonna do about it?"

Sanzo stared at him for a good while until he began to move to get off the bed. Gojyo latched onto him and kept him there, refusing to let him run away now.

"You're fucking crazy," Sanzo spat.

"Maybe. But I'm crazy for _you_, my ferocious little monk."

Sanzo snorted and stopped struggling, lying with his back to Gojyo. "I don't understand you at all."

"It's all right, you don't have to. The important thing is that you understand this." He moved Sanzo onto his back and kissed him deeply, dipping his tongue into that sweet mouth. "And this." He kissed the corner of his lips while caressing the side of his face, brushing away some of the hair that fell there. "And this." His hand traveled lower and squeezed between his legs, Sanzo's breath hitching at the touch. "And I'll only ever do it for you, babe. No one else can exist for Sha Gojyo."

It took Sanzo a little while to regain his senses. When he did, he scoffed up at the redhead and tugged hard on his hair. "Don't call me 'babe'." Gojyo grinned and attacked his mouth again, wondering if he had actually died and was in heaven. Sanzo twined his fingers in his hair, accepting him in a way that Gojyo had thought was impossible before. He supposed miracles really did happen.

With a quick move he switched their positions, him sitting up against the headboard of the bed and Sanzo straddling him. He moved his hands down to grab the monk's ass and grinded their hips together, both of them moaning with the sensation. Sanzo kissed him hungrily, their tongues battling for dominance as Gojyo continued to move the blonde's pelvis into his. Gojyo made short work of discarding both of their clothing, thinking that putting himself between Sanzo and that youkai was the best decision he had ever made. With a small chuckle he reached down and stroked his new lover's arousal, his sounds of pleasure better than the best-composed music. He looked around and spied a small glass of water that Hakkai must have left in the room along with an array of some other things like a toothbrush and a comb. The man must not have left his room while he was unconscious. He really needed to thank him, as soon as he was finished worshipping a certain monk in his arms.

Dipping his fingers into the water, he reached around Sanzo and began preparing him, still remembering to be slow and gentle. Sanzo growled and pushed back on his fingers when they found that sweet spot, Gojyo finding the scene incredibly erotic and having to ask Sanzo to tend to his own needs in fear of how hard he was getting. When he was ready and he had slicked up his stiff length, Sanzo positioned himself above Gojyo, a slight unsure look in his eyes. The redhead murmured encouraging words to him and grabbed his hips lovingly, guiding him down onto his erection. Sanzo hissed at the contact, but not out of pain; Gojyo, too, had to throw his head back and clench his teeth shut to keep from making too much noise. He wasn't sure how thin these walls were, but the last thing he wanted was for the monkey or Hakkai to come running to his room because they heard strange noises coming from an apparently still unconscious Gojyo.

As soon as he became adjusted to the feeling of Gojyo inside of him, Sanzo began to move. He could barely suppress the noises he wanted to make, Sanzo already moaning and kissing at Gojyo's chest, along the spot where the youkai had slashed him. Gojyo turned his head up and captured his lips again, their feeling against his far superior to any woman's he had known.

"_This _is what I want," he said around Sanzo's lips. He tightened his hold on his hips. "Love you," he groaned, unable to form anything else remotely intelligent. They moved together in an already familiar fashion until Sanzo's stomach began to clench, a keening noise escaping his throat as he reached his peak, holding onto Gojyo's biceps for dear life. Gojyo was not too long in following, moaning Sanzo's name with all the affection he felt for him in his little kappa heart. They simply sat there, regaining their breath, Sanzo unmoving on top of him. Gojyo wasn't about to complain.

That was when he caught two words that tumbled from the monk's lips, barely spoken above a low murmur but heard nonetheless.

"Me too."

* * *

The next day they were on the road again. Gojyo had told Hakkai over and over again that he was perfectly fine, that they should get going before Sanzo threw a hissy fit and started throwing things. They had a large breakfast as per usual and piled into Jeep, ever onward to the west.

Gojyo and Goku fought as always, the ending result being a mighty swing of the harisen that showed no mercy for either of them, Hakkai smiling in the driver's seat and reassuring Goku that a town would be coming up soon for them to eat in.

They fought a few youkai assassins that happened to pop up on the road, Gojyo cursing their bad luck and Goku grinning like a kid at Christmas, Sanzo "tch"-ing as was his habit and Hakkai chuckling at their behavior.

They went to a restaurant in the nearest town where Goku ordered at least one of everything and ate to his heart's content. He and Gojyo fought over the last eggroll and Hakkai admonished them playfully, Sanzo bringing out the harisen again just to shut them up and having to yell once or twice.

The only thing that changed in their daily routine was that when the innkeeper told them that he only had two rooms available, Goku roomed with Hakkai while Sanzo went uncomplainingly with Gojyo.

THE END


End file.
